June 30, 2010


the magic of night dies every dawn. the sunlight washing away the infinite possibilities of dreamtime.

all the bad choices, every little thing that was given over to fear returns anew in the unforgiving light.

in a perfect world, Mickey never spoke nor sang nor did he captain a steamboat.

in the perfect world the songbirds sing to the rising son their song of freedom. it is still free as the night. not owned by the day nor owned by anything in between.

they remind us that some things survive dreamtime. pieces that can never be crushed or silenced by the Meanies and Warlocks who duel by law and black magicians who conjure into being the slavery of day.

June 27, 2010

tuning back

I just deleted my Facebook account.

I also deleted my MySpace account (but that doesn't matter since I haven't logged on in a year or more.)

Now I'm just here again in this backwater corner of the web...

railing in the dark like the hermit curmudgeon crank that I am.

It feels like a virtual cave, comfortable and cool. Quiet.

May 28, 2010

overpopulation spoken here

good god, man

January 07, 2010

Bed Stuy is alright

Bed Stuy is alright if you like to eat nuthin' but chicken wings and chinese food.

Bed Stuy is alright if you like getting socked in the throat.

Bed Stuy is alright if you like homophobia.

Bed Stuy is alright if you like the ghetto.

Bed Stuy is alright if you like getting hit up for spare change while eating in a restaurant.

Bed Stuy is alright if you like corner drug dealers.

Bed Stuy is alright if you like drive by shootings.

Bed Stuy is alright if you like to get your hair and nails done.

Bed Stuy is alright if an abundance of churches and poverty turn you on.

Bed Stuy is alright if you're a slave to fashion.

Bed Stuy is alright if you like Escalades.

Bed Stuy is alright if you think Drug Wars are still necessary.

Bed Stuy is alright if you like reckless driving.

Bed Stuy is alright if you love litter.

Bed Stuy is alright if you like to thump your music loud.

Bed Stuy is alright if you don't like to pick up your dog's shit.

Bed Stuy is alright if you hate whitey.

Bed Stuy is alright if you like to keep yourself down.

October 17, 2008

800 days

one day is too much. Waking into the quiet empty space - no other voice, no movement. nothing.

This is how it has been and the way it will be from now on. Simple fact.

I can't imagine living with the vain hope of improvement; returning to the way it was. But that's how it's been for her these 800 days. Hoping against impossible odds.

To me it seems a freak show of desperation. But I have not had to face that harsh reality. I don't know if I would fare any better. Maybe I would also fill the air with delusion: Do everything possible to distract my attention from the simple fact that there is no going back. It's all gone.

No second chances. No opportunity to watch it all disappear.

It's already gone.

September 29, 2008


back to L.A.?????

yep. back to L.A. for 3 weeks.

aaaaaaaaaaaagh !!!!!!!!!!!!

August 18, 2008


Future leader of the Junior Alvarez Portagee Jug Band

July 17, 2008

fuck los angeles

no really.

fuck L.A.

for me there's no place left that seems anywhere close to home. no place to unwind.

nowhere feels safe.

for the first time, it's scary and foreign in a way that it never felt like before.

for reals.

no place for rest. no place for comfort.

oh god it's not just L.A., it's this world. it's me. nowhere safe.


July 02, 2008

Police-O-Matic... when Bean Counters make Policy decisions

Thank you computer wizards for making Police work a numbers game.

See how your neighborhood ranks in the CompStat system:

In all of New York City this year there will likely be about 10-people-per-week murdered.

Hooray! crime is "down" compared to it's historic highs. 10 murders a week is TOTALLY acceptable.

Bravo, CompStat.

Continue reading "Police-O-Matic... when Bean Counters make Policy decisions" »

June 30, 2008

circles and cycles

The Life Cycle of a Housefly:
day 1: egg
day 2: larva
day 3-7: pupa
day 8 - 14: flying around

The Life Cycle of a Chinese Girl:
year 1 - 7: childhood
year 8 - 14: factory work
year 15 - 26: prostitution (plus factory work)
year 27 - ?: factory work

June 28, 2008

fuckinay man

seen today on facebook

is this the ultimate goal in our society?


what the fuck, man.

June 18, 2008

wine and roses

- We pause this program for a brief moment of ennui and uncertainty - .

days pass and i barely notice.

weeks and months to the wind.

yesterday though. yesterday i remember.

the big black lady at the corner Grease Peddler... lazily standing at the order window even though i was trying to get my slice of cheeses pizza through the small opening. Blocking most of the 2-foot square hole with her girthy form as she waited for her chicken wings.

the laundromat. it's convenient prepaid cards make fishing for quarters a thing of the past. the suds, the smell, the ritual.

Fee Fee's presence.

Miss Mollie got over her fear and discovered the magic of spreadsheets.

the beef stew at Collado restaurant and that familiar part of East Broadway.

the walk down Broadway and around East New York and Brownsville. Pimpy mens clothing stores. African markets in Crown Heights. Delicious nuggets of ghetto entertainment everywhere. People yelling and carrying on.

The relative quietness of our corner of Bed-Stuy.

This apartment, a living sacrifice to Flux and Form.

a kiss or two. a touch. a thought. a feeling.

things went on. stuff was said and done.

Really, not much happened. But it seemed like 5 days passed - all slow and detailed.

It's already disappearing - creeping into the void of All Yesterdays.

June 08, 2008


The first weekend in many months that felt something like rest.

the dread never fully abates. since late last year, it has been the dread of not knowing.

not knowing if i had what it takes to sustain a higher level of lifestyle complexity - higher expenses, unknown emotional road map and all.

but things just keep rolling along.

different, stranger? yes.

harder? no. not really.

along with the heat and humidity of a Brooklyn spring/summer comes a dull enveloping blankness.

Continue reading "weekend" »

June 07, 2008


It's the first scorcher of pre-summer here in Brooklyn. I'm sitting on the bed, power-snacking on Hershey's Kisses and homemade seltzer.

Mollie is in the shower. We're going to Bushwick's open studio event today. Dozens of artists and venues are opening their studios. Showing their work, having performances and such.

It should be uber-hipsterific. Much drinking of Pabst Blue Ribbon and other low quality headache-inducing brew and other irony-centric shenanigans.

Give me a Newcastle any day. I don't care if it's up to a buck-seventy-five a bottle. It doesn't punish like swill punishes.

I'm wearing one of Mollie's T-shirts. Her "Technics" record player one. It fits so tight yet is far less gay-ey than her gray shirt with the neck cut out.

You might say I look very "Greg Barnett-ish"

mm hm.


In August, Mollie and I are having a "First Annual Bed-Stuy Artist-Open-Studio-Day-on-Monroe-Street-between-Stuyvesant-and-Lewis catty-corner-from-the-drug-house-that-the plain-clothes-NYPD-appear-to-be-targeting-regularly"

Yes. It will be something like the Mar Vista "moon" parties.

Be there bitches.

May 29, 2008


I didn't FTP into any work networks, either in Manhattan or in L.A, last night.

Unlike the previous day, I didn't wake up at 3am and continue to modify and optimize web pages - no work-from-home-and-continue-to-work-on-site shenanigans.

When I got home last night I trimmed the plant up front. A continuation of the massive trimming the day before. I also sawed a 2x4 into pieces, building a low ramp for pushing my new (new for me, but 3.4 decades old itself) motorcycle up near the front stoop and off the street.

Having a night's sleep - deep sleep - blissfully emotionally released from work. Knowing that it all has to be done eventually. Knowing there are other, more enjoyable, things to do in conjunction with that universe.


Knowing in my cells.

Other stuff. A balance of things. Jumping from one to the other. As needed. for their maintenance and most especially: for my peace of mind.

Every day. Every moment.

I just spent another few minutes trimming the bush some more. I'll try to find seeds today. Wild flowers might be good.

Something to fill the east end of the small dirt square being cleared.

I have plans to launch a new web site... or maybe just fold the idea here into YUMMYMEAT.

Something wonderfully big and slick, bringing to bear all the deep WEB 2.0 knowledge I've taught myself over the past 6 months... combined with other, older, obsessions.

It should be nice.

Oh yeah... and I blogged.

here. now.

May 23, 2008

get stoned at Target

Target, the big box retail store wants YOU to GET HIGH !

God fuckin bless Amerrikka.

April 01, 2008

i just want to go home

but i can't.

there's work to finish.

mentally beat. emotionally drained.

things to do. promises to keep.

other stuff pending. might have to come back in the summer if things don't go well.

i'd rather be in Brooklyn living my simple life. in perfect imperfection

oh well. once more unto the breach.

no one else is gonna step up.

some things are best entered into with extreme anger.

stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood.

March 23, 2008

file under "Fuckin White People"

A "Nation of Laws"

the gloves drop

Home Rule

...but I wouldn't let one date my sister

Like the Iraq situation, except with beef not oil... follow the money

When lacking proper "mud" skinned targets, whitey feeds on his own. Yes, secession is an old tradition.

March 19, 2008

there are some things you do not do

When I receive messages like this, I get a little annoyed which is why it's even here in the first place :

seriously, though, can you ask greg to stop texting me mean things (that aren't true) in the middle of the night? i got a torrent of texts calling me fat and a loser and saying i can't perform without him (which is obviously untrue because i have a monthly paid gig) among other just off the wall things... i just really don't want my pot given to him or any energy mixed, i had his number deleted from my phone and all i responded was that his number was gone, do the same with mine, and i got all these "you are a fat loser" comments back. which just show how insecure he is and probably pissed that he can't pay his own rent, but really can you or mollie sit down with him and tell him this is really old and i really and honestly want nothing to do with his negative vibe? he started that last text war out of nowhere, also.
he sends one message and then says : "and i'm not reading your response loser" then he sends more saying the same thing...

March 13, 2008

Mollie got me a sandwich

I was all half-passed-out, tweaking on some code changes, sort of annoyed that I had no Windows box to test out Internet Explorer compatibility of the web service I built.

If I had only brought my Vaio laptop back to New York.

Continue reading "Mollie got me a sandwich" »

March 05, 2008

stop the fuckin presses!

wait a sec.

maybe "things" don't "drive" me crazy.

maybe i just "am" crazy.

that sure would explain a lot.

it's all so clear now.

except not.

March 04, 2008

fresh to whitey

so we've been mostly stuck in bed for over 4 days. Horrendous slow-moving flu.

the 2 corner Bodegas on this block are good for Campbell's Soup and OJ. I looked for a better alternative.

Continue reading "fresh to whitey" »

February 20, 2008

A HA !

it was / is a VIRUS.

mystery solved.

February 19, 2008


between midnight last night and dusk today, I slept about 16 hours.

i'm about to pass out again.

still feeling all run down. On the edge of exhaustion.

maybe i'll take a short nap then start doing more work.


February 11, 2008

THE best text message... ever

oh no, you're gonna have to click below to see it...

Continue reading "THE best text message... ever" »

February 09, 2008

i disagree

I believe EVERY day is good for one or both of these

i like porn

porn porn porn

it's good

it's funny

and it's good for you.

just like wheat germ

and carrots

and cocaine.

no wait...

all except that last part

February 08, 2008


there is a place in Mar Vista where i can check out of the world proper

drop out of time and space. out of the unnecessary worries, illusions and delusions of so-called reality.

to simply be. to rest and heal.

and in the emotional scatter-zone of L.A., that sort of thing is needed.

in New York, daily life is not so deeply out of balance. for me at least.

and i've said it before but it's good, for myself at least, to reiterate: the 1000-mile-stare i see in the eyes of most every man, woman and child on the morning train to Manhattan... it takes a dose of L.A. to put that kind of darkness into my perception.

why is "home" like that?

how is it that the big bad Metropolis, the scary "if-you-can-make-it-there" place, feels so familiar and inviting?

but the place i'm most familiar with - the place i was born and grew up in - is so damn annoying.

so ugly.

But in one small room there is air. That room in Mar Vista doesn't feel alien. It doesn't feel like the oxygen is sucked out of the place.

it doesn't feel like i'm in the presence of an enormous animal that you always feed but is never satisfied.

in my mind: L.A. = Need

unquenchable need. blind animal hunger.

maybe it's just me. the millions of people here might have a different take.

January 27, 2008

taking on taking off

This is not a New Year's resolution. I don't do those.

This is a life shift, a choice, a decision.

I definitely do those.

This test, this ongoing experiment presents different things: new stuff, seemingly new stuff, old familiar things, seemingly familiar things.

I have discovered, through subjective experience, that the super heightened stress cycles I put myself through are not so enjoyable anymore. The smaller, slower, easier-to-digest rollercoaster-cycles-of-angst... those are much more fascinating.

I have discovered also that being away from Mollie for an extended period --- and by extended I mean: more than a week --- is not good for me.

A "heightened stress cycle" that I once found to be enjoyable is now near intolerable.

So the resolution, the shift I require, is "Simplicity".

To me that means not taking on excessive tasks within impossible deadlines. That's not my speed anymore.

It means staying close to home; close to the woman I love. Because that's where I feel most comfortable and most inspired. Simplicity.

It means not measuring my self or my life along the polarity of Success-Failure, but instead meandering along the path of happiness and ease.

Whatever brings those things is where i want to be.

all abstract and subject to interpretation, I know.

still, that is my meditation: Simplicity.

January 25, 2008

yesss um

Oh god.

I just successfully passed a javascript array object to a PHP array object, did some processing on it then passed it back again to a javascript array object.

No. You don't understand. This is big.

Native code objects!!! Disparate langauges talking the same lexicon!!!! The whole AJAX thing!

You don't care. You'd rather just surf porn and eat more Cheetos.

Yeah well screw you, buddy.

I'm a baaaaaaaad grrl !
booty booty booty
big enormous cock