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February 25, 2008

really, again?

mostly, most of the time, that song doesn't do that to me anymore. mostly most of the time rolll my eyes and click next on the ipod and get a little proud of myself for not even knowing where that place was that i used to sink into when i heard it. The way that time would stop and i was actually afraid for a moment i would just fall and keep falling and then you catch your breath only to hear a great heaving sob echo through the empty car on the 405 and the person stuck in the car next to you can even feel it and they look over. mostly it doesn't do that anymore and i am proud of myself, but it's also related to that great numbing. nothing gets to me. sure, i go up and down and i feel it, but it doesn't happen that i can actually feel my soul physically. except when there is the adrenaline of anticipation of pain morphed into that watery flowing quivery bliss place. then, there, that's not even the same. is that what you meant by armor?
i still turn and look and squint and hope at shuffling slouchy walks wearing peacoats and backs of necks and holding a cigarette so close that you cover your face when you smoke it.
letting come and letting go letting come and letting go. breathing in and breathing out. i have a two week to one month turn around. in and out, coming and going, sometimes slowly and sometimes hard and fast, but always in the end not really worth the effort of trying to be on the same page. there is no same page, except sometimes, even when it's not, it kind of is. and i realize how right you were and how right i was and how wrong we both were and how i have so many more words now than i used to. words ot explain what it is that i want from you, no, not from you, but to have an experience accompanying your experience. and it still shocks me in this strange way how much like you i really am. compartmentalize, i want all of these little different parts to my whole, they can co mingle, but there can't be one part over the rest. is it really that bad to want everything that you want? no, but i couldn't even ask for it. out of my space, out of my space, people need to get out of my space...
all of these tasty treats ranging from sweet to savory and i love them all for a bit
i had a dream last night about crazy joel from work, from the courtyard. and he said something about squirrels and gorillas and he yelled "he is the wizzzzard, the wizzard of cheese." Cheese. stop feeding me cheese, no wait, i want the cheese, ok, too much cheese, wait now it's not enough...
the other day mollie named my hosue the house that cheese built or maybe it was just the house of cheese.
remember when you gave me cheese?
no response... .......... ......... . .... ............
and then on the way home i heard that song and it did that thing, again.
is it that the armor sealed it inside and it can't get out and nothing else can come in to diffuse it or what because it doesn't go away.
and then i think about time almost two years almost four almost ten and i can't get a grip on selves that i was and things and people that are dead to me now. that used to make me feel my soul in that physical way and how i don't care, but when that one song plays and everything stops and this black hole sucks the entire universe just behind my sternum and i feel like i might collapse in on myself i wonder what the fuck is wrong with me.
maybe i made it all up, maybe it wasn't that way at all, but maybe somehow you became this great symbol for everything that has ever died in me. or maybe not.
maybe i just broke at some point....