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eat fuck kill

i had this thought about being wiling to kill off the old, being willing to die all the time over and over, every day every minute. when you pull the death card from the deck, it is actually about birth, about the old leaving to make room for the new. and then thinking about how few people actually give themselves over to death, perhaps only with one lover, once a week and maybe not even then... then we relate that to surrender... the surrendering of your will under someones, if even for just a few moments, perhaps restrained, perhaps not, but being willing to die to let go of your own anything-ness, completely at the hands of someone, you know perhaps very well, or perhaps not. complete surrender. yes, there is the pain and yes the being able to take it, and yes the being the center of the world. (which i attribute to the autism, redefining boundaries) but i don't even really feel that or remember it, what i do remember is the complete freedom. the slate being wiped clean, blood rushing, invigoration, wide eyes, heart beating, ready for whatever comes my way completely willing to receive, receive all of it, the good and the bad, handling whatever stimulus comes my way. having been willing to die, the ego left the building, you were not you, you were the everything, the nothing and you didn't completely submerged, and yet also somehow completely filled up, affirmed in your being-ness in your complete trust. you get to be new you get to have that fresh look.
my back has started to cease being ticklish.
life happens and all of it is good. even when it's bad, it's good.. good bad... bad good...

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