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the benevolent goddess

So i passed it off to my left and held my breath. before i even got it out of my hands i could feel that they weren't real... my hands, that is, they weren't real... i could use them, not really fell them, the other feelings were too big, the hands inconsequential. Not in that sinking sucking incapacitating way as salvia. it was like my breath was taken out of me, not that i lost my breath, but it was bigger than me, it was bigger than the room. People's faces became siply relections of light almost impressionist. and then wham. it was like an orgasm, but not that specific and looking up at the swirlying purple light that was being projected on the ceiling, i called to mind the same thing we've been talking about... that indescribable weaving ina and out of itself thing. i won't say that it was a white light, but a goddess apeared, and it was as if she reached out and took my sould out of my chest, not literally... but i felt the sameness as everything else, i would see the fabric of things as if it were made of little bits of light and i was that too... everything was the primordial soup, and we were all just floating in it. i told Octavia that there was nothing to be afraid of, but i meant not just then, i meant like ever, there was never anything ever to be afraid of. swimming in a sloshing briny sea of sparkles and love. beauty begets more beauty. the reverend put his hand on my back and for a moment the same thing happened again. i could feel the exchange of sameness as if something was being taken away, but not in a lack sort of way, it was so warm, and i knew what the people said about my hands being so hot. and the ring of steam being like 3times bigger than the other peoples... i mean it seems silly to talk about magic. seems silly to fell like this goddes, perhaps the same goddess that spoke to me in the desert seems to be telling me to let go and just admit it. swing swing swing swing....


Im gonna miss you when you're enlightened.
however, I guess enlightened means everywhere at once.
enlightened and the oposite of enlightened.

your mom

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