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October 26, 2007

female plumbing issues

ok, so every full moon... i get my goddamn period... for a while i thought it was hot m, but alas, it's the moon... goddamn nature and eb and flow and stuff....
i had this dream the night before last that i was wearing a teet coat... at first glance this coat looked much like a pimp coat, but when put on, i was weighed down by all these little animals hanging off of my hundreds and hundreds of teets. i don't remember if they were humans, little tiny people, or puppies or what, but they were everywhere...
um... yeah...
then last night i was dreaming that i was getting a massage while wearing pony/animal harnesses of various colors and sizes... but more specifically i was laying on my belly and my knee was bent so my foot was up and the therapist had an elbow in my butt cheek with my foot up, rotating the leg, getting all of the attachements around the edge of the femoral head... which is my favorite thing ever.
anyways, it reminded me of the first time i ever did acid and i was trying to sleep and i kept getting pictures of myself at a pitbull, me, but just pitbull me... and i decided that i have too much energy and i need to gt tied up and have it beat outta me.

October 12, 2007

the benevolent goddess

So i passed it off to my left and held my breath. before i even got it out of my hands i could feel that they weren't real... my hands, that is, they weren't real... i could use them, not really fell them, the other feelings were too big, the hands inconsequential. Not in that sinking sucking incapacitating way as salvia. it was like my breath was taken out of me, not that i lost my breath, but it was bigger than me, it was bigger than the room. People's faces became siply relections of light almost impressionist. and then wham. it was like an orgasm, but not that specific and looking up at the swirlying purple light that was being projected on the ceiling, i called to mind the same thing we've been talking about... that indescribable weaving ina and out of itself thing. i won't say that it was a white light, but a goddess apeared, and it was as if she reached out and took my sould out of my chest, not literally... but i felt the sameness as everything else, i would see the fabric of things as if it were made of little bits of light and i was that too... everything was the primordial soup, and we were all just floating in it. i told Octavia that there was nothing to be afraid of, but i meant not just then, i meant like ever, there was never anything ever to be afraid of. swimming in a sloshing briny sea of sparkles and love. beauty begets more beauty. the reverend put his hand on my back and for a moment the same thing happened again. i could feel the exchange of sameness as if something was being taken away, but not in a lack sort of way, it was so warm, and i knew what the people said about my hands being so hot. and the ring of steam being like 3times bigger than the other peoples... i mean it seems silly to talk about magic. seems silly to fell like this goddes, perhaps the same goddess that spoke to me in the desert seems to be telling me to let go and just admit it. swing swing swing swing....

October 05, 2007

sleeping in

i took the day off of most of my work. called out. i texted jeremy again, he just doesn't respond... it's ok, i'm ok with being the scapegoat, i laugh because i know everytime i say 'what's up' to him he gets all snooty (but just in his head) and flouncess away all uber stoic and gay, but just in his head...
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why didn't i tell you? because you knew already... and if you can't lsten to your own self... then...?
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again the lack of emotion, just smiling and shaking my head and knowing that a year ago this would have been so anxiety provoking as to render me stuck in the nest freaking out. i just deeply don't care other than looking at it as a silly part of the ride. doesn't stop my good-bad-doer from wanting to jump in and go "poof, betch!" i really want to poof things...
i like this whole "AND what" mentality. i like just saying what i think... or knowing when to back off. sometimes it still takes me a while to say things.
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i think it may be time to get my other nostril pierced...
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everything nothing everything nothing everything nothing
everything i ask for - not enough, when is enough enough? when will you be satisfied when will i be satisfied when will the world be satsfied. is satisfied like pacified.
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i want some kind of pacifier. some little doohicky bob that my soul can just suck on to keep from having to wonder where my second mommy went.
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sometimes i wonder if its real - the pictures i get. It seems a shame really. would have could have been important. would have could have been quaint.
but would you trade it for this?
no
well, are you happy with this?
no, it's not enough. it might be too much and once you get to too much, it's past enough. but then you realize that you've developed this taste for more. eating jalepenos right out of the jar, mutherfuckers.
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don't you love the way your mouth burns and you have to eat more to keep it from burning.
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i love my eyebrows
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so you realize the meaning of just letting it follow it's path... like, if you think about it, it just gets all fucked up... if you just swing with it.
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so i only date couples. i don't know why... i often wonder: where will this path lead, oh higher self? if i want a farm and babies, how do i propose that i get this dating couples. there is a high potential for disaster. he likes her too much she likes him... that's the weakness and the strength: must keep distance. distance is good and bad... avoidance? no. allowance is what it feels like. fine lines to walk. like finding the very edges and instertions. al's right... a wuiet revolution going on: allowance invading our homes. too bad about hot dad... mmm i love hot dad...**drool***
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mmm leftover chinese food...

October 03, 2007

space

So back to the holographs (or is it holograms...?) the dictionary defines a holograph as: A document written wholly in the handwriting of the person whose signature it bears.
huh? well, that's not really the point...
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it's easiest explained anatomically, talking about fascia. the muscle itself isn't what's fucked up, not the bone, but the fascia is what gets trained, stuck, glued, armored. it's what makes the pattern feel normal... when you begin to stand or sit properly, it hurts. partly because of weakness, but mostly, i would argue, because the fascia is not used to being there... they say that's where you hold your emotions, in the fascia... that's why mongolian warriors cleaned their bones with self-massage after battle, to clear the emotion, the memory from the connective tissue.
now let's take it to the atom. to bounce off (haha, holorams...) of what red said, we are more space than stuff, more space than matter... because of the structure of the atom, the buzzing holds the space so much that it seems as if it's everywhere at once... you know, how the glowies leave a trail after them (ever wonder why that's fascinating on drugs? because it's looking at our own structure...)
why is the potato chip appealing? because of the space. the way the air cracks out of it when you destroy its space with that deliciously sweet maui onion crunch... ever tried a blistered peanut.. the way it crackles when you crunch it is really strange and satisfying, because of the space.
leeann always said the point of props in yoga is to help create more space... that other lady said that thing about not getting stronger or more flexible, but getting out of your own way to give your spine more space. blisters... back to blisters... they create a buffer of space.
but what has been coming up a lot is that place between sleep and awake... red said it, and like three other people have said something about it within the last few days. (goddamn collective consciousness being so up in my grill.)
We are suggesting that nothingness is really the somethingness. In saying this we do not mean things are worthless or meaningless, but we are coming back around to the idea of surrender. allowance. the place between sleep and awake holds significance because it is a place of allowance of receiving and reintegrating...
find the place where your inner ear meats your brain stem meets your spine meets your tongue meets your sinuses and put more space there. it makes you feel kind high... rule number four - everything changes... allowance... enjoying each rung of the ladder, losing sight of the top or bottom and simply observing the view from each standpoint.
so there has been much talk about this space and the (dare is use the word liminality?!@#! no i think not... i hate ucla still...) the inbetweenness.
don't be afraid to not know just give it some space. back off. back off and then back off again. take your energy behind you.
I was massaging some very large people of late. obese even. i remember val talking about wanting to teach the anatomy of the fat cell. a strange phenomenon happens. padding, cushion. trying to create more space. but the thing is where you would expect the fat to be squishy or wobbly, it is taut and hard even sometimes. the only way to describe it is thick skinned. not just plastic wrap tight, but hard and thick. two theories: they are subconsciously trying to take up less space and also creaiting a cushion on the inside part and a wall on the outside part... bouindaries!!! it frightens me when i can't get to someone's neck. like they are drowning in themselves... maybe that sounds fucked... but it was all part of my trip on the space issue...
stress as a status symbol. less space to actually confront anything.
stress = not enough space.
back to the neck - the body/mind divide. the colliding point the place where the brain and the rest of you fight for power, fight for the right to say what's going to happen here. ever wonder why your neck hurts ofter sitting at a desk? because your body is pissed off and it's going to get to the place closest to the brain and say "listen bitch, this is so not okay with me." so when you can't get a neck... what exactly is that saying...
leeann also said not to think about these things too much..
have fun, be happy He says. I thought, first: fuck you, then i thought: that's all i do. Because if that's not what your're doing then, well, then what. it's funny to me that He never knew me when i actually liked my life, in fact, i think maybe this is the first time i have liked it. the first time i've felt like i'm in charge of it. felt like my opinion is repected, like i'm heard. by the universe and by myself. There is more space. to write in, to dance in, to kill the space and then make the space and fill it and empty it and scatter it and collect it.
we were talking about why the playa is specifically a proper space... it's clear. it gives me chills to think about how clear it must be without anyone on it.
sometimes i lose my limbs - especially when i'm getting acupuncture. i feel like my limbs either don't exist or that they are somewhere that they are not. sometimes the room starts to disappear into tiny fractal luminescent bits of whiteness. sometimes when i wake up i feel like i was on some sort of mission, i was doing something important and this silly world thing is just a minor little annoyance i'm dealing with to get back to that place where things were getting done, conferences being held. and sometimes i am so so tired and i can't sleep to save my life. and sometimes you look in the mirror at a funny angle and you see that chicken pox scar that you knew you had, but hadn't seen or noticed or thought about in years. or you find that place in yourself where you stop for a second and say "oh, hi! i remember you!" when you back the fuck off and give yourself the space, anyway...