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ok so maybe i'm bored

I've reached this plateau-ing ish point. Where even if things change, like if Robert keeps being a bungholio and i have to move, it's like not that bad... i know i'll probably do what i'm doing for a while then go be a pt, blah blah... more of the same stuff... stuff i already know and they'll make me sit in an uncomfortable chair to learn over again...
that thing about how my joy is just a wave on the surface of my sea of despair... strike that reverse it... sadness is a ripple on my sea of happiness,.. or it's the same both ways, it settles in, way down at the bottom of my ocean... slithering smoothly along the bottom. It's so still at the bottom... tumultuous at least distracts you... being caught in the storm at least makes you actually have to do stuff to survive...
My anxiety has left me... i can't find her anywhere... that old friend of mine.. it has been replaced with either a deep tiredness, a deep contentment, a deep melancholy, a deep tone, a depply wanting to or deeply not wanting to.. but it's like oh, i'm lonely without her... and nothing surprises me anymore...
ah, such an adrenaline junkie... mmm sweet sweet adrenaline... that you get before you yell at someone, before you tell them everything you ever wanted to yell at them, before you get the first sting of the crop, when the dull and busy buzzzzz of the tattoo needle lights up the room and the artist places a firm hand on you and it's any moment until touch down, when they place the clamp and you know the only thing left to do is breathe. thump-thump, thump-thump. pounding in your chest and then - zoom sensation and time is both infinitely fast and slow and minuscule and huge... the thing isonce you've got a grip on some new stimuli, you need more stimuli... stimuli of your choosing...
So anyway, back on point... there's something about me that's deeply bored right now... seeking new stimuli... maybe that's the good of living alone(ish) - that you aren't overstimulated by people's energies all the time, so it forces you to seek out other energies, vibrations, orchestrations... like i signed up for fire dancing finally and i paid for it so i better do it, but i think i will actually do it because i'm seriously bored to all fuck right now... despite the fact that new things seem to be happening all around and exciting people are making me realize how exciting i am. something deeper than that, like being itchy for some art project or magical inspiration, some new adrenaline rush... even my rants don't seem as fully explosive as before, there's a flattening out... like oh, robert's a cunt, but then i sigh and say fuck it, but then i bounce back and say "must....fight......good......fight....." but then i really just want to turn on a goddamn tv and just give it up to the neon god like everyone else... what did bloomer say she did in lieu of tv? groom? fuck grooming, i'm going for the greasy hippy look. wait, when is grunge coming back? i think it's about time for some apathy... goddamn plateaus... "bucket and a mop and you can't stop and look at what you've done. the plateau's clean, no dirt to be seen and the work, it was fun..."
i shouldn't bitch... i needed some good ol' resting time. but when i find myself blogging this much it kind of makes me worry that i'm not actually lving life, just commenting on it...
alone and surrounded, alone and surrounded, alone and surrounded...
our culture is seriously fucked... no really, man... i just don't understand how we are so packed together and so isolated at the same time...
i blame the over-stimulation...
so just like how at burning man the lights and sounds are like selected to be like positive or like something, man...
mishmosh of blare and blinky and intoxication and noise honking pogostick fucking kids screaming.... overstimulation... does the oposte of shaking it up, weighs it down... confuses... makes you walk in circles around yourself... makes you attack your own tail...
seriously folks... i'm not kidding...of course you get bored when your molecules have no focus, no wonder we hibernate, no wonder we shut off... just make it all go away... just make me not have to think, have to talk over this, talk over you, try to get a word in edgewise...
my mom always has this look about her when she speaks like she thinks it's impossible to see her... i know how that feels. oh well, whatever, nevermind...

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