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September 30, 2007

more avoidance and some notes

so since bashar has been taken off of google video, i've been jonesing... almost enough to actually monetarily support the cause, but i have to read the stalking the wild pendulum book first... but maybe i should finish any other book i've started before taking on any pendulum material.
Rule number 1: YOU EXIST - you exist now, you always have and always will. Is-ness is the only quality existence has. To be. non existence is already full of all of the things that will never exist, so relax.
Rule number 2: The all is the one, the one is the all. HOLOGRAPHIC ALLY SPEAKING: parts are the whole expressing itself as a part of the whole.
Rule number 3: What you put out is what you get back. physical relaity does not exist except as a reflection of the internal. (holographically speaking again, i suppose) if you would like the reflection to smile, you must do it first, and then the relfection will have no choice.
Rule number 4: Change is the only constant - everything changes except the first three rules..

I took notes on the sample on the website until i realized that it was 3am and i was tired at 9pm...
on sticky notes i put them all over my desk.. i don't know why...
the key to manifestation is zero expectation - sometimes life dangles a carrot to get you to head in a direction, but the carrot may not be necessary, it was just the initiation.
behave differently to the reality even if it looks the same
create definitions that allow you to function more simply- blockages are from over complicated belief systems
fear is there to tell you that you are running your energy through belief systems that are not in alignment with who you are.
You do not get rid of things, you transform them - hesitation means no - You highest joy is TO BE yourself - start simple - at every moment you have several choices - excitement is the thread that leads to other excitement - regardless of how it looks, it is making a statement about who you are - instead of supporting who you've been taught you are supposed to be.
critical mass is when there is enought to change the agreement in another direction - spiritual issues and issues of consciousness have entered our daily life - these are indications of critical mass being reached.
Knowingness is surrender - surrender is not a loss or lack of control, but a letting go of who you think you are - you are unlimited possibility - surrender is acceptance, not forsaking.

September 27, 2007

peppy is my hero (whatever)

i was doing that thing i do when i have no mandatory schedule. a million things on the list but somehow doing pretend karaoke in my underwear in front of my mirror that i have yet to hang up and is all dusty is the most important thing on the list. doing that throw my head back pin up girl pose, ass towards the camera, just like on that postcard they made. They are doing this show together, one that i was originally invited to do, too... i wonder if that means they are talking or back together. whatever (i know, erin hates whatever, but this deserves one big giant sigh and whatever is the verbal equivalent...) it would just figure if that was the case.. dance people and yoga people and animals and pregnant ladies, man, i'm telling you but my gays take the cake on being drama... hense the tern.
i was supposed to go to the civic center and renew my license (already late) and i should have mailed that ticket to nevada, but i have no money for either. Like my dad always says, "pot will get you through times of no money better than money will get you through times of no pot." but then he also says "eat it! it's tastes like candy" and "friends don't touch friends breasts" so what can we take from that lesson? i'm not to sure, but i'm sure that it has been sent for some reason.
I was also supposed to do some laundry and maybe take out the trash.. definitely figure out what that smell is in my car... figure out what to do with my camping stuff since the lock got broken off my storage thingy... too many things... over stimulation... so back to
spin spin sugar... how appropriate... a typical 90's child... a postmodern sleaze...
sunday morning coming down, black velvet...
so i went for a walk down to peppy's and got some eggs and hash browns and toast and ate it all really really fast.
i totally threw up my whole dinner last night once i got outta my car, i was like, just make it to the bathroom, just make it to the bathroom. It was the closest thing i've had lately to an anxiety attack, but that's not really what i would characterize it as...so today i had to refuel my eggs and hash browns quota... the studly hispanic waiter dude was flirting with all the old ladies and pretending i didn't exist, it was weird... sourdough is awesome.
so turns out i'm totally fucking psychic... less noise around to distract from it... i had this dream that robert came to apologize and he took me to home depot and told me to buy whatever i wanted. when i woke up, there was a text from laura that my screens had been ordered by robert. and that dream with dan reaghlt? turns out he and my dad have been talking and stuff... whatever... (hehe)
I feel this weird lack of feeling around not being able to talk to my mom and sister right now.. like, well, i fell like: whatever. i know i did the right thing. it actually works out great: i get to be the bad guy (as my mom would put it...) and she gets to be on the little sister's side so it avoids the problem of the conflict being directly in the home, it gets to be collectively directed outwards AND most importantly, something got done. Zoom out.
Zooming out.. that's exactly, yes... that't another way of putting the whole thing...
so here:
bouncing, boinging, reflection - holorgram, vibration... zooming out... making the whole perimeter... like going up in a plane and your stomach drops... so zooming out - seeing the bigger picture, non attachment (how trite), full circle, zooming out, walking for 12 hours with no destination, just allowing the space to take you where it will. allowing, zooming out.
the rant is still in me, but it doesn't shake my pit, zoomed out. it's just what needs to be done... could feel like a little bit of loss of innocence, but just like that book with the mountain ranges, seeing all of the laters and folds at once, living only in the parts you want to. it doesn't really matter, just a ride... jump off: see what happens, bounce off, detach...
mostly i don't want to drive down there, like ever again. i hate the south bay, so goddamn pastel... blech... i like throwing up my dinner more than i like stupid fucking hermosa beach and the stupid fucking spa with pretty glass walls and pretty colored rocks that say things like "breath" and "joy" and "gratitude." and it has little waterfall foutain thingies and soaps and creams and butters with all kinds of smelly fruity sugary smells... yoga people.. jesus christ, man...
meh... mehh... meh....
next week should be better....

September 23, 2007

ok so maybe i'm bored

I've reached this plateau-ing ish point. Where even if things change, like if Robert keeps being a bungholio and i have to move, it's like not that bad... i know i'll probably do what i'm doing for a while then go be a pt, blah blah... more of the same stuff... stuff i already know and they'll make me sit in an uncomfortable chair to learn over again...
that thing about how my joy is just a wave on the surface of my sea of despair... strike that reverse it... sadness is a ripple on my sea of happiness,.. or it's the same both ways, it settles in, way down at the bottom of my ocean... slithering smoothly along the bottom. It's so still at the bottom... tumultuous at least distracts you... being caught in the storm at least makes you actually have to do stuff to survive...
My anxiety has left me... i can't find her anywhere... that old friend of mine.. it has been replaced with either a deep tiredness, a deep contentment, a deep melancholy, a deep tone, a depply wanting to or deeply not wanting to.. but it's like oh, i'm lonely without her... and nothing surprises me anymore...
ah, such an adrenaline junkie... mmm sweet sweet adrenaline... that you get before you yell at someone, before you tell them everything you ever wanted to yell at them, before you get the first sting of the crop, when the dull and busy buzzzzz of the tattoo needle lights up the room and the artist places a firm hand on you and it's any moment until touch down, when they place the clamp and you know the only thing left to do is breathe. thump-thump, thump-thump. pounding in your chest and then - zoom sensation and time is both infinitely fast and slow and minuscule and huge... the thing isonce you've got a grip on some new stimuli, you need more stimuli... stimuli of your choosing...
So anyway, back on point... there's something about me that's deeply bored right now... seeking new stimuli... maybe that's the good of living alone(ish) - that you aren't overstimulated by people's energies all the time, so it forces you to seek out other energies, vibrations, orchestrations... like i signed up for fire dancing finally and i paid for it so i better do it, but i think i will actually do it because i'm seriously bored to all fuck right now... despite the fact that new things seem to be happening all around and exciting people are making me realize how exciting i am. something deeper than that, like being itchy for some art project or magical inspiration, some new adrenaline rush... even my rants don't seem as fully explosive as before, there's a flattening out... like oh, robert's a cunt, but then i sigh and say fuck it, but then i bounce back and say "must....fight......good......fight....." but then i really just want to turn on a goddamn tv and just give it up to the neon god like everyone else... what did bloomer say she did in lieu of tv? groom? fuck grooming, i'm going for the greasy hippy look. wait, when is grunge coming back? i think it's about time for some apathy... goddamn plateaus... "bucket and a mop and you can't stop and look at what you've done. the plateau's clean, no dirt to be seen and the work, it was fun..."
i shouldn't bitch... i needed some good ol' resting time. but when i find myself blogging this much it kind of makes me worry that i'm not actually lving life, just commenting on it...
alone and surrounded, alone and surrounded, alone and surrounded...
our culture is seriously fucked... no really, man... i just don't understand how we are so packed together and so isolated at the same time...
i blame the over-stimulation...
so just like how at burning man the lights and sounds are like selected to be like positive or like something, man...
mishmosh of blare and blinky and intoxication and noise honking pogostick fucking kids screaming.... overstimulation... does the oposte of shaking it up, weighs it down... confuses... makes you walk in circles around yourself... makes you attack your own tail...
seriously folks... i'm not kidding...of course you get bored when your molecules have no focus, no wonder we hibernate, no wonder we shut off... just make it all go away... just make me not have to think, have to talk over this, talk over you, try to get a word in edgewise...
my mom always has this look about her when she speaks like she thinks it's impossible to see her... i know how that feels. oh well, whatever, nevermind...

pirates and spanking and ... dan reaughlt??? oh my...

more weird dreamage... had to write it down...

So it started when i got up to pee at 11ish... and firmly decided i was going to sleep as long as humanly possible... after i got myself back down...
there was two sides of the bed, one was kind and white and fluffy and marshmallow-y, This side of the bed seemed all nice but there was nothing to do once you got there...
and the other was this cage where someone had been waiting for me to beat the shit outta them, in the good way of course...
but there was all this travelling back and forth between sides and waiting for i dunno something.
and there were many trips made back and forth from this pirate island to the regular land the water was all dark and murky and it seemed treacherous like that scene from the princess bride... back and forth... there was some old witchy person about on this island that seemed both creepy and wise and magical.
and i finally beat the person, only to learn it was now day time and i had to get some rest.
i wound up in dan reaughlt's house from when i was a kid.. the one with the patio... only it was smaller and darker...
and He was there but he was following me around where i could almost not notice behind my right ear, just smelling my hair and i kept catching Him and then he would offer me a glass of wine.
When Dan finally got there, he was this version of himself he must have been when he was a teenager... not the pussied-out business man of my childhood... and He said, she's drunk already... and i fell to the floor where dan looked at my in disbelief for a while and they put me back up on the couch. We sobered up and took this school bus back to soe touristy looking spot on the beach... like an extra cool version of redondo and i realized that this sculpture/bench/cement design thing that is common of beaches had actually been the pirate island and that all of the treacherous water (full of eels and stuff... much like the water from the mario cuddling dream...) was all gone and it was clean and artistically laid out cement patters. and then i woke up with a start, realizing that in actual reality, it was going on 2pm...

September 22, 2007

fall

sink sunken falling falling fallen.
something about this time of year makes me wake up with the heebie-jeebies. Things that are familiar seem strange and things that are new remind me of everything else. The sun plays tricks on you and the rain makes everything all still and quiet and makes you think of all the sleeping in done with rain hitting the windows. and then washington boulevard somehow transforms itself into fountain on some lazy sunday driving home. something about it that you can't put your finger on. it makes you want to smoke a cigarette in that way that the cigarette taints the smell of the air after you've smoked it. it's like that image you get right before you fall asleep of that thing infinitely shrinking and growing that somehow seems like a rose and a rubber ball, but then you realize that it must be the universe.
You know that song that grabs you by the balls and makes you almost freeze in your tracks or pee your pants or cry and you can't quite even remember why? it's like that. It used to happen every season, now it's just the fall because the years have started to just feel like seasons. How things change so much and are still the same. That when you are alone you realize you have like 8 families, but somehow when actual reality takes hold, the air seems so much heavier. maybe i should move to the desert, i think it's more resonant, dry, clear. The salty beach air has been weighing me down for so long. The denseness of the air here, that's what gives the light its eerie looking through a magnifying glass feeing.
I started having weird dreams again. this also happens this time of year.
The weirdest one was that i was pregnant and the babies (there were many) were like coming out of my vagina and the people at the hospital kept telling me to wait, that it was fine. and then they did this gruesome surgury on me and i was awake and screaming and they made me all patchwork. and then i lost my shit (lost it so much i might never find it again) and started killing everyone in my path. get outta the way motherfuckers, i have some things to give birth to here and you are not going to stop me. i dunno... it was kind of terrible.
**************
When i Got there i oriented myself and headed for the man, soon realizing that almost simultaneously upon my arrival, the moon had turned red and the man had begun to burn early, and then i ran across that giant board of things, things, things and saw hen there.
*****************
He started to cry. finally, after so long of not being able to. and i let him lay his head in my lap and he fell asleep, only for a minute or two, but just long enough for the sun to come up. i was holding points, holding space on his face. he woke up with a start and said: "what did you do?" and i said "nothing." and he said "yes you did, everything is clear now." i felt magic. the magical unicorn.
Viewing everyone as a child, children must play, play is ok, play shakes up the density.
Sometimes you can't get people to come out and play.
i had another dream that i got a letter that i was needed desperately, but i think the prospect of play might dance a bit to close to the edge of losing control. of maintaining. i have been sent as the shaker up of things, i think.
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There were many thoughts about density and healiing. The doctor Earl was talking about lasers and high intesity light being used for healing and the power of the hands and so on. It shakes it up... things need a good shking around... the atmosphere (literally and figuratively) can get so heavy... only when it gets shaken up do you get that feeling of falling, settling again to the bottom, but the trick is to try not to settle as heavily this time, to learn to tuse the density to your advantage, to use the density to hold you up. Lights, sound, tuning forks, acupuncture needles, dancing, screaming, lasers. And the meteors began cutting throught the sky and just like that ominous unnamable round thing that can only be the universe, or just an atom, or both, i decided i had to make the perimeter. the edge.
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You see you don't push past the edge, you walk it, you sense where it is without asking out loud. Like the corn starch. when you plunge into it, it resists, becomes hard in response. but when you sit with it, with no effort suddenly your hand sinks to the bottom. It's about trust, it's about listening to your higher self.
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when we do these things we are attuned to the vibration of things, colors lights sounds, vibrations, orchestrations, nuances, we just simply see them as they are: we accept our role as an antenna, as a conductor, we simply turn our do-ers off and receive, we then can hear our higher self, from the edges, talking back to us in the center of this density.
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The problem with shaking up the density, is that once that settling happens it feels so heavy, so so heavy. But you know that that's just the other side of the swing... the pendulum. Stalking the wild pendulum is the book hen told me to read. that's exactly what we are doing is stalking the wild pendulum. but it's jsut at that point of the ride where you seem to hover and your stomach gives you that sense of control completely lost as you can't stop the freeflow back and forth of the pendulum. there's no placing your hand over your mouth and raising the other here, it swings and keeps swinging. if you've got yourself wedged pretty well, it's not so bad, it's those times your forget to pay attention and you think the grip of your hands might fail you. Following the movement of the sun is really all we are doing here... it's kind of a pendulum. Circles and Cycles... full circle along the perimeter.
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My tonsils had cleavage
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When i got home, i re-unpacked and shook out a bag. Mind you, i hav eused this bag about a dozen times between last year and this year, i had shaken it out looking while we were there last year and when we got back. I thought it was lost along with my car keys, and then, plop, out it fell after countless shaking out and searching: the little canister that read: "goddess." oh, hi goddess, there you are!