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you're driving like an asshole (or: sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is let them hit bottom)

I PREFACE ALL OF THIS BY SAYING THAT IT IS ALL UNTRUE! ANY CONCLUSIONS I MAY HAVE COME TO IN THE FOLLOWING RANT MUST BE CONSIDERED UNTRUE. HOWEVER, NOT BECAUSE I MADE THEM UP, BUT BECAUSE WE HAVE NO WAY OF KNOWING WHICH PARTS OF THE INFORMATION THIS IS BASED ON ARE TRUE OR NOT, SO THEREFORE WE MUST ASSUME THEM ALL TO BE FALSE. SINCE THEY ALL MUST BE ASSUMED FALSE, ANY THOUGHTS I MAY HAVE HAD BASED ON SAID INFORMATION FOLLOW THE UNTRUE PREMISE. HOWEVER, THAT FACT (OR RATHER THOSE FALLACIES DO AGAIN HIGHLIGHT THAT THAT IS EXACTLY THE POINT) SO PLEASE NOTE THAT CITING THE BLOW STATEMENT I ENCLOSE THIS BLOG IN LITTLE STARRY THINGIES. BECAUSE REALLY IT'S ALL A FIGMENT OF MY IMAGINATION. DO YOU HEAR ME HACKER? OR WHOEVER CARES ABOUT MY STUPID RAMBLINGS? I MADE UP EVERYTHING, BECAUSE THAT IS TO SAY ONE MAKES UP ONE'S OWN WORLD...
**this one's gonna be long... so take a deep breath and hold on. please keep your hands and arms inside the vehicle and if at anytime, you feel you are going to vomit, please place one hand over your mouth and raise the other.
OK, SO I WAS ASKED TO EDIT THIS, BECAUSE APPARENTLY PEOPLE LIKE READ THIS BLOG... KIND OF SAD THAT ANYONE HAS SUCH AN INTEREST IN THE GOINGS ON OF SUCH A STRANGE CAST OF CHARACTERS. BUT, OK HERE GOES, ADDITIONS WILL BE DENOTED BY CAPITOL LETTERS AND SUBTRACTIONS WILL BE DENOTED BY A DOUBLE STAR ON EITHER END (IE: **SUCH AND SUCH IS A FUCKTARD**) LIKE THAT, I SHOULD TAKE THAT OUT, MMMMMKAY?**

**i say too much, always, but truth is better than nothin, so here goes...
sure i've lied by ommision or told the truth by omitting things, mostly to authority figures, to jloss. i never told him that when he and mr. c showed up at the trocadero, i was secretly hoping he was trying to introduce me to his cute friend. i never told josh that the week after i got fired and he pretended to ignore me, i accidentally slept with, well, several people at once ALL PEOPLE OF THE HOLLYWOOD CREW, much less did i tell him who those people were BECAUSE HE KNEW ALL OF EM. was i afraid of hurting him? a little... but truth be told i was trying to hurt him, because he was hurting me... who knows really who started hurting who first, maybe we were both immagining eachother to be people who had hurt us before. afraid of the consequenses, the confrontation? a lot. i never told him that when he didn't invite me to celebrate the holidays with him, i did it again. only those two events... and the guilt, the guilt, the almost vomitting while trying to find a way to tell him... or finding a way to leave finding a way to tell him that that was how much his lack of caring hurt... maybe i should have told him, just that, what i just said, maybe it would make sense, but probably not. I COULD DIVULGE A BLOW BY BLOW OF OTHER SEXUAL ENCOUNTERS I'VE HAD AND/OR OTHER CRUSHES I'VE HAD ON PEOPLE THAT WERE INNAPROPRIATE, BUT MAINLY THE DIFFERENCE IS WHEN PEOPLE'S LIVES COME INTO PLAY. THE POINT BEING, I'M GUILTY OF FUCKING AROUND WITH HEARTS, SO ARE OTHER PEOPLE. BUT I REALLY BELIEVE THAT PEOPLE WHO'S ACTUAL LIVES ARE BEING BUT AT RISK CARELESSLY, THEY HAVE A RIGHT TO KNOW. THANK GOD NOTHING HAPPENED. THANK FUCKING GOD THAT EVERYONE'S OK... SO FAR. IF THAT'S EVEN THE TRUTH. SOME PEOPLE ARE LUCKY BASTARDS, BUT IT STILL DOESN'T CONSTITUTE ACTING AS IF EVERYONE ELSE IS. but while people's feelings were on the line, i have to assert, that in my stupidest hour, i was smart enough to be safe about it. in fact the only person i was ever unsafe with was him (see exhibit a blog). so nobody is perfect, but a blatant disregard for people's lives is another thing alltogether. **no one in our generation doesn't know that you have to be safe, especially when you are talking about the gay community. especially when you are talking about rough gay sex... ** and when you tell someone that they are your confidant, you don't leave parts out, unless you know you are doing wrong... you don't no tell someone shit that is pertinant because you are going to be inconvenienced by the consequences, you don't not tell your gay loveR that you are living with that you have been fucking other men with out a condom, just because it would suck to move. you don't not tell your confidant that either... unless you knew it was wrong...
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i don't believe in evil spirits, i don't believe in my heart of hearts that evil spirit manifests and attacks without reason. I believe that any spirit that does manifest is either a) a direct reflection of yourself or b) the universe (aka yourself) trying to tell yourself something. so when someone comes to me and tells me that evil spirits are attacking and watching them and generally causing disruptions, my first response, is "head their warning." when someone who has drifted from lovers bed to friends couch to mothers couch to lovers bed and somehow has always miraculously escaped paying rent, who refuses to learn to drive because they want to HAVE to depend on others, thus also negating car payment and gas money and still seems to have negative funds despite a well paying full time job, when that person tells me the "ghost" of a homeless scary man harasses him while he is sleeping in that lovers bed free of charge bed, tell me... who is the homeless man here? who is the homeless man causing a disruption in his lovers bed? these symbols are not difficult to dicipher. another option is that a demon could be something in your history or memory that has been repressed trying to find it's way out? what then is not being dealt with, what does the cockdriven behavior and nightly drunken passing out compensate for? or yet a third option is that this person is in fact delusional, a paranoid schitzophrenic who is seeing shit, in which case, get thee to someone with meds... **but then again, i think stds can make you delusional also... ** or all of the above is possible, too, i suppose... no is innocent here... you give out demons, you get them...
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YOU WERE IN MY HOUSE, IN MY CAR, MAKING STAINS ON MY CARPET, SNORING SO LOUD I COULDN'T SLEEP, LETTING ME BUY YOUR PROPS AND FOOD AND WEED, AND TO SAY I HAVE NO PLACE IN IT IS WRONG... FIRST: YOU PUT ME IN THE MIDDLE, THEN TO TELL ME THAT THE F-ED UP ENERGY YOU BRING IN MY HOUSE IS NONE OF MY BUISNESS IS SALT IN THE WOUND OF DISRESPECT AND BEING USED... (AGAIN, SEE SECTION ON USING EVERYONE...) AND IF THIS ISN'T THE WAY IT WENT DOWN, I HAVE NO WAY OF KNOWING ALL I KNOW IT WHAT WAS SAID TO ME AND HOW I CAN INTERPRET THINGS. ALL I'M SAYING WITH ALL OF THE BELOW IS THAT MY DISTRUST RUNS SO DEEP AS TO MAKE ME THINK THE FOLLOWING THOUGHTS. he has one of those electric personalities, the kind that everyone wants to know. that's what makes the whole thing so sad, since there are so many details i didn't know, i can't help but wonder whether they discussed it, whether he gave it to his on purpose... I DID WONDER THAT, THAT IS HOW DEEP THE NOT KNOWING IF ANY OF THE REALITY THAT WAS SHOWN TO ME WAS TRUE. I DID WONDER THAT. BECAUSE IF THAT WASN'T THE CASE IF IT WASN'T OF YOUR OWN VOLITION THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO EXCUSE. it would make sense on some sick level, the older guy doesn't want to go through it alone, the younger boy wants a place where he HAS to belong. YEAH, STILL THINK THIS... (see above about not driving for the sake of being dependant) he says now he didn't tell me all thE details, WHAT ARE THE DETAILS THAT I'M MISSING THAT MAKE ANY OF THAT BEHAVIOR OK, AGAIN, PEOPLE'S LIVES, HERE! same question as above, why did you leave it out? you knew it was wrong... it's sad that you have no respect for your life, but to lie about it to the people you are fucking is a whole other thing... people have gone on trial for not telling their lovers they had HIV... there is something deeply sick about insisting on being with a grown up person who could have knowingly infected you with something that, even if it doesn't make you die the ugly death it did before, it is still an ongoing inconvenience and something you have to be mindful of... it will be in your every minute... unless that it, you knew and didn't care which then is even sicker. SO EVEN IF IT WASN'T THE CASE, THE WHOLE THING IS STILL SICK IN MY OPINION....SUPER-DUPER CODEPENDANT BEHAVIOR. AND SAYING HE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO ME IS A JOKE. UNLESS OF COURSE THAT IS WE ARE ASSUMING THAT YOU WERE LYING ABOUT ALL OF IT... WHICH, I SUPPOSE WE SHOULD.
remember when i told to you to tell me when i'm driving like an asshole? well, now you are even though you don't drive.. if you think i'm going to sit around and watch someone i care about not only endanger their life but other beautiful talented boys, then you are sorely mistaken. if you think the person who has been letting you sleep in their bed is now maliciously hating you just because you are could be hiv positive, then you are also sorely mistaken, it's just that if there's no other way to get through sometimes all you can do is cut it off. i made a mistake believing you the first time, i won't make it again, you put me in the responsible position by telling me, YOU SAY YOU LEFT STUFF OUT, THAT I COULDN'T KNOW, BUT THEN WHY DID YOU PUT ME IN THE MIDDLE BY TELLING ME ANY OF IT? YES, I WAS MADE RESPONSIBLE TO TELL CERTAIN PEOPLE, TO EMAIL THEM, BECAUSE I WAS NOT GOING TO BE THE PERSON WHO SAID "IT'S NOT MY PLACE AGAIN" and i won't let the same mistake happen twice, you can't go around being careless with people health on my watch. ps: it's bull that you ven't gotten your test back yet, because it doesn't take that long. and while i'm on that, it doesn't take that long for a biopsy to come back either, so the whole miliing the my mom might have cancer thing for months is bullshit, too... don't play easy with that life thing... you might cry wolf one too many times...
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the only reason you made up with red is for a free place to live... NOPE, NOT DELETING THAT, STILL THINK IT'S TRUE...
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pot calling the kettle black... yeah, i smoke pot and yeah, i say whit i should keep my nose out of, and yeah, i get drunk and text dirty things to people... and yeah, i accidentally make out with people...KEY WORD HERE IS MAKE-OUT and i may drive like an asshole sometimes (see above about telling me when i'm driving like and asshole) but i have never done so many stupid innebriated things as when i was with you. something is awry, something doesn't add up, how can you have no money, are you spending it all on going out, what are you escaping going out so much? i may self medicate, but pot doesn't make people do shit like fuck a man with hiv with no condom, now does it?YEAH, NOPE, NOT TAKING THAT OUT EITHER, IT'S WHAT HAPPENED... i listen when the universe makes me lose my wallet, you should listen to your messages too... whether it comes in the form of spirit or a lost wallet....
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the real reason you're mad is because i'm a tolerant motherfucker, and if the gurl doesn't believe in it, you know you've really crossed the line...
i hope you have the chance to live in a way that's more respectful to yourself, but i'm not hanging out ot find out....
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YOU WANT MY DEEP DARK: IT WAS ALL UP THERE, UP ON THIS BLOG ANYWAY, ANYONE CAN READ IT, YOU KNEW IT, I TOLD YOU ALL OF IT, THE REAL"IT". YOU DIDN'T TELL ME THE REAL "IT." I STAND BY MY CHOICE TO TELL A COUPLE OF PEOPLE AND ALSO TO EXPRESS MY SADNESS IN YOUR LYING TO ME AND USING PEOPLE...**

Comments

it is sad how right you are. of course, who could say what "right" means, and Im trying to deal with how its easier to see in someone else. but, whatever. It is interesting how when we go after truth, sometimes it is beautiful and sometimes it is a steaming puccle of vomit. However, I think that mostly it is both.

i cant argue.

is this your greatest and last post?

no, this was not my last post, please see the next bout of rage in the catydids and the eye doctor...

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