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humble pie and sub theonic resonance

i slept until 3 today, having called in with a hurt knee (or something)... never actually made it til 3 before today... just 2:45... rising to new heights...
so, i was almost going to clean it all off... take off everything i'd ever written in stone off of everything...

but i didn't...
first of all, doesn't writing it down and having people read it make it more and more true, make it exist more, make it keep exitsting...

beefcake was talking about how "this is reality now." and what happened and my rememberance of it is a creation that i am making here and now, has very little to do with what actually happened then...

i ultimately decided not to take it down because that would be changing the story, instead of accepting that having written it down along the way was part of the story.

still i wish just i as i always with that my now self could have magically transorted back in time and informed my no longer existing self...

realizing that nothing i did actually helped anything... if anything the entanglement only caused me to lose more realizing

that i was only so angry because i knew what would happen and let it, that i needed things to happen. that i had taken a dive and then wanted to take it back and instead of flowing resisted and rendered my belly red and sore from impact.

people not talking to me makes me sad, my immediate reaction is: it wasn't me, this isn't my fault etc... the long list of things i can use to make my self seem like the innocent by standing victim...

the whole barrelling effect of how it went down... the converstation about me after burning man in the car, it only makes everything seem more justified from my end... "here, here! i'm finished with her, you can play with her for a while. she's good fun" or that's my interpretation. and the fucked up thing is it was true... yeah, i'm a real cool chick and everything, until i decide that people should take me seiously, that they shouldn't run as soon as things aren't smooth and effortless... they were gone just like that, no explanation or anything, just done... with me...

i made things messy again... cleaning up all pretty like and then in one night of going out the clothes are covering the floor...

i shouldn't have said anything except "thank you, i love you, i'm sorry" no, not just then, but like, ever... that's the only thing that should have ever come out of my mouth. but it wasn't... so here it is for all of the time i should have said it and said too many other things

THANK YOU

I LOVE YOU

I'M SORRY

Comments

thank you
i love you
im sorry

disappearing ink never helped anything


meh!

Soldier on, Private.

It's all in the mind. (read that in mellow cockney)

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