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December 03, 2006

the night i almost lost my mind

I recently had the thought that life is just simply constantly rearranging... I thought it as i was helping my mom move. her stuff seemed overwhelming... i mean how do you fit 13 years of living in a huge three bedroom place to a modest two bedroom... you wouldn't believe it, but it all went it... stuff arranged in one way seems clogged up, move some stuff around and you have breathing space. no less stuff, just a figuring out what to do with it. it reminded me of the night i almost lost my mind...so - it was late august/early september of 2005. I was a few days away from getting canned at my old job, which was exactly what i wanted, but things were nuts, everything had built to this incredible level of tension everywhere. All my peeps had gone to burning man, i was supposed to have gone, but the job was threatening me... but i was pushing it, was seeing how far i could go. So anyways, it was thursday of burning man and i was alone at my old place on june street and i decided to hippy-flip by myself. I kinda started to be lonely and i knew i couldn't call josh, because, well, it doesn't matter, i knew he would care or get it or he think i was dumb for doing drugs by myself and be pissed off that he had to come take care of me, i never wanted someone to have to take care of me anyway, it was my decision i could deal with it... i called my mom... it was awkward... i was confused but frantically. the house was stuffy i was alone in hollywood and just couldn't go walking outside alone. i couldn't stand the mess everywhere. it's always a mess, you clean up, or do your laundry or do the dishes, then inevitably, it needs to be done again. life is so futile... how can i ever accomplish anything if i have to spend my time and energy maintaining things as they are. if it is so much effort to just stay in one place, how is one ever supposed to move forward. how does one begin to appreciate the now when everything in the now is a mess? So i began cleaningfuriously. knowing it would never be done. i had fallen into a puddle and when i couldn't take it anymore, i picked myself up off the hallway floor. remember what cheng-chieh said about the air, the air being thick? you can either let the weight of gravity press down on you or you can use it like water and imagine that it's thick enough to hold yourself up on, you rest rest on the air... whatever - the point being it's all a matter of perspective, the air didn't change, i did. i put on my dress, the trippy lookin one that Erin made in high school. She made four dresses out of the same material for me and alma and kolleen and herself for homecoming. we all still have ours... so i put it on and put on simon and garfunkel and decided that it's never going to be perfect, so why not jsut skip down the hallway instead of worrying about it. it doesn't matter what anyone thinks, who cares if i'm "flakey" or irresponsible, i'm skipping down the hallway... so i didn't lost my mind, or escape it. important lesson that you can never escape you own mind, you mind never really "change" you just rearrange yourself, things are never perfect, but you can do things to make it better.