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October 09, 2006

"I ain't never said i wasn't a crazy bitch" (or "Exhibit A")

eh, so i prolly shouldn't post this... but uh, here goes:
here's the letter i wrote telling josh what a fucking pussy he is...
and you might not wanna know this either: the whole week before i wrote this i had explosive poo. loose bowels as it were... the day i wrote this, after i wrote it, it was black goo... like that time captain bloomer told me that story about the woman and the colonics... eh, it's about clinging to the past...

Exhibit A - the exact words i sent you were "call me sometime to conversate, k?" and you responded in the affirmative. (this was also referring back to when I said we should “talk like grown-ups” sometime, fyi.) Isn’t it funny that it seems to be me doing the doing again?? Haha, oh, wait, no. I know, I know: I have myself to be mad at for that not you. And besides I’m like soo yang and you’re like soo yin, and that’s just how it goes. But it was complete cock-knocker-ness not call because you said you would and also:
Exhibit B - Completely separately from any feelings at all: this week SUCKED BALLS. yeah, I know, you apologize and all that horseshit, but I really think you need a real appreciation of the gory details. Now bear in mind, I was a full partner in the unprotected activities, I take full responsibility, with that said I find the situation to be very, let's just say uneven at it's best (see above about me doing the doing). So, being that I’m not an asshole, I took measures to ensure there would be no conception (you can’t be too careful with these things). For some reason, the pill hit me particularly strong and I literally was throwing up and couldn’t do anything but squat with my back to the wall, oh let’s not even talk about the eating that occurred, it was obscene. Then I got a yeast infection from the hormone swing and started my period with a fucking vengeance. It rocked… super messy. I was still having to squat all day, mind you.
So in other words, here is a simple equation (cuming inside someone = phone call within a few days). Having you not call when it was plain that you should have had a similar smell to it as when I got fired and was home alone all day and you said you didn’t feel like we needed to hang out that week because we would be hanging out the next week. And I was like, “hello, asswipe, I just got fired and am with a lack of activities…”
Now we move out of the realm of being a considerate fucking human being, asshole. You hurt my feelings more than once. Once, shame on you; twice shame on me. But it’s also refreshing that the second time it dissolves more quickly into feeling sorry for you: anytime anything scratches even slightly below the surface you will run. How much terrain there is that you can’t cover staying on the surface. You should know that, you archeologist.
Exhibit C – you know how I left things with you 6 months ago. I pretty plainly told you that if you ever felt like compromising even slightly, that I loved you and thought that we had something worth working on. Funny all you could muster up was, “yeah, the sex is still good.” Hmpf. (Sometimes I also think about the fact I saw later that you were totallllllly trying to get me to break up with you towards the end there, just saying you would come to my side of town and just not and just not and just not. Pussy, yeah I said it, you’re so concerned with maintaining state of nothing changing, nothing breaking the calm.) Anyway, back on subject… you know how I left things – pretty much an open invitation back.
Exhibit D – you spouted off about how I make people like me and you can’t clean yours out… or some retarded ass shit like that… and you told me I was like family and you also said that thing about how everytime one of us is missing something, the other one seems to have it. I asked you if it was ok before anything happened, what did you think I meant? Socially, or some crap, no I meant for me, my heart, my life… sorry I was on a lot of drugs, but you also knew that, too…
Exhibit E – I said the words “I miss you.” You skirted the issue by saying some frou-frou crap like I think about you fondly… which is like, whatever that means…
And finally, I fucking let you fuck me without a condom, you dick! What in the world??? I mean, you know who I am, for crying out loud! I am the most analytical, ascribe meaning to things person ever, no? I mean, really… the whole “no artificial barriers between us” thing I mean, come on. Especially after saying the whole whatever of us is missing the other one has thing… especially after I left it the way I did.
Having you not call when it was plain that you should have had a similar smell to it as when I got fired and was home alone all day and you said you didn’t feel like we needed to hang out that week because we would be hanging out the next week. And I was like, “hello, asswipe, I just got fired and am with a serious lack of activities.”
And in the end what I’m saying is you have no balls about anything, safe road taker. Which is why I feel sorry for you, but the irony is that you’re so yin and I’m so yang and on some fucked up level it works. I never wanted the world form you, never wanted to change you. In fact more than once I bent my relatively ubendable self to meet you where you held steadfast. To tell the truth I totally dug being your chick when you played volleyball with a cigarette hangin off yer lip with some wry-ass thing to say all the time You have no idea how much I miss just walking to the silver spoon. But I told you how I felt before, you knew I wanted to try things again, sometime. And with that knowledge, you are not allowed to say the things you said and participate in what you participated in and expect me to not have any feelings at you.
But like I said, once your bad, twice my bad. Keep taking the safe road, man, whatever floats your boat. And the fucked up thing is I still love you (you know, yin/yang). I still think we balance eachother so here it is: I love you. (in fact, ‘I love you soo sweetly that I got an abcess in my tooth and spent $400 getting it drained) I’m not a pussy like you, I ain’t afraid to say what’s really in my heart, because, well, how else is there to be. But I am also not wasting anymore energy on you. So that’s all there is to say about that, so I expect to never hear from or see you again. Should we cross paths at any juncture, I shall pretend you are merely an acquaintance and I expect the same from you.

October 04, 2006


too manythings, not enough things, too manythings, not enough things...