« binge eating and karma | Main | fajitas »

whatevs (or: more from the angela files)

sooo... i'm bored...
i think i may actaully be getting older... even red said so...
So i had been feeling the strong dichotomy within myself bad girl/good girl split. the half of me that says i want a relationship with someone that i can grow with and the the half of me saying booootttyyyyy... etc.. The half of me that wants to nurture and the half that wants to be self destructive and crazy... so for a while the crazy side was winning... just trashed all the time... So it was the night before my birthday, i've always hated birthdays generally for the same reason i hate anything that i HAVE to do... any day that you are forced to observe... whatever i hate the way people feel obligated to call, so ingenuine, mostly, not all the time.. so i was going into recluse generally ill-tempered mode... I went to get pot in the valley... after that i was supposed to go to Marriah's 9th annual 16th birthday party... the irony of going to other people's much more interesting than i am parties.... so the story with this chick is this: i have a strange push pull relationship with her... we met in Jr. High did drama and choir and stuff togehter... sometimes got along and sometimes i rejected her... we went to winter fantasy together and i wanted to, but was all uncomfortable... so i went to bar sinister.... checked it out... she and her master were there etc.
Interesting culture, not especially my bag, but who am i to say that i've never checked something out... i mean you have to see the shit to really get it and it's definitely not as weird as people think... in fact i think half the thing is breaking through what people think... push boundaries... that's all ok with me, i totally get pushing boundaries, i how to escape your body etc... anyway, blah blah, it left me feeling generally creeped out... and so on...
I almost went to her birthday party and i was at the house in the valley and they were smokin pot n drinkin beers and making guacamole and the cool gay dude with the dreads is a quarter balck just like i'm a quarter mexican and i just couldn't go to the weird spanky party and i especially did not want to spend my 25th birthday hung over and possibly with butt bruises... i mean c'mon i'm not a whippersnapper anymore, people... i've got things to think about, an agenda... josh always said i was the most type A hippie that he knew... i guess he was the most type B corporate person i knew... whatevs... i have a guilty feeling in my belly when i take time off, like it makes me weak or something... So the thing is: i guess i should stop acting like a teenager if i don't want people to see me as just that... oh, whatevs yourmomfrombehindinthebackofmyescaladeformoney


maybe maturing isn't as simple as not getting trashed or being an ass clown. maybe maturity isn't about what you do or not do, etc. "Growing up" is pretentious on a bigger level, it's the ultimate- "What I'm supposed to do/ what I HAVE to do". Don't get hung up on appearances, you amazing woman/ black drag queen. love you.

maybe fondling 16-year-old boys is a sign of maturity.

Post a comment