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the acupuncturist says that smoking os closing your self off from love. I tunred on my party shuffle and the song said "you were smoking me weren't you, between your yellow fingers. you just inhale and exhale without saying a word." Its the little habits the rituals that make smoking a perfect distraction. Its the drive to go get the smokeable, its the way it smells its the corners you turn, it's the way you break it up and get the little particles on your finger, it's the sitting behind the bar, its something that makes me not think about me or anything for a moment. And then it's smoked and all you want to do is smoke it again. Anything to not have the now. To not be in me. Put something in the cavity in my chest. It's like it burns you cough, you get a cough and you know you were better off not smoking anything, but when you're not you just miss it. It's like the way i just do what you wnat me to do even though i don't think it's as cool as something else i could be doing, it doesn't matter because at least it's not just me and myself again. Even though when you're not smoking you do better, more worthwhile, productive things. No matter how good those things are, they will never be as good as the little ritual the momentary escape. You're right, i'm just like you, just like the things in you that i can't stand. I may always want to just "get really fucked up." I might always want to do things i know are bad for me in the long run becuase they are fun right now, because they fill that cavity they call the thorax. I may always be selfish and want to be able to just take off to the desert and escape reality again. Escapism, codependence, what if i can't ever give them up? I just may be stuck there this life, but the difference is that that answer doesn't satisfy me, the way it satsfies some.


"Where was your consience, where was your consiousness?"

same song, I don't know why i needed to keep going.
what do you think the link is between escapism (especially as addiction) and codependance? It does seem to be there.

"and where did you put all those letter that you wrote to your self, but did not address?"

Toward the end of my tobacco habit, I practised "extreme mindful" smoking.

Putting on my best 50's-cigarette-ad-white-guy-voice I'd say, "Mmmmmm. Why that's cool and refreshing; the most refreshing death I've ever had."


"This fine blend of American and Turkish tobacco is the sort of death a man of quality like me can get behind."


"Aaaaaah... death."

Most habits for me just drift away. Sometimes they come back to visit for a while like an old friend.

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