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rebelling against myself

This is s tiring task that i keep taking on, this rebelling against myself and then rebelling against my rebellion and on and on and on.

I just answered my phone even though it was a private number calling... i know i shouldn't do this... however the last few times it's been the monkey man calling about some fabulous ridiculousness going on... so i finally fucking answer it and it's some goddamn mastercard people telling me that i earned a blockbuster gift certificate. what the fuck, i don't even have a mastercard... so anyway, i was going off on someone's blog about something... anyway, it made me think about doing thing i know are bad for me because they are momentary relief... like smoking pot (oh, yes, this battle with myself is far from over, it may take decades...) before i "quit" i argued with myself for years whether i did it out of addiction or whether it really "helped" me. I was like, so, what? i quit smoking weed then i will just need some pill to get me through my life and i would rather have something that grew as a plant than some thing with undiscovered side effects or something... so that argument won for a long time... then i rebelled against myself and said, no the commercials are probably right, weed makes me sit and do nothing. i get stuck in this i can't do anything because i'm too weak mode... just like in yoga, you can give into the difficulty and let it collapse you or just go "aarrrhhhhhgggghhhh i can fucking handle whatever you hand me." ok, so working full time again, rebelling against myself. knowing i'm not the kind of person that can even come close to dealing with being in one place all day long... did it anyway to maintain this house thing. i deplore dedicating your life to the maintaining of a 'pretty little home." some lifestyle we see as comfortable, but isn't what we think of as comfortable really just us allowing gravity to pulll us down. like the force of "that is what you should do" is too great to overcome, so we slouch and then wonder why our backs hurt. i have always known that i deplore that lifestyle/stuff/material shit maintenance, but i rebelled against myself... ah there's that should thing again... or shaving me legs: i know that shaving my legs makes me prepubescent=weaker however i also get that it's cool that chicks are magic becuase they can turn on or off this magical femininity thing, the feminine mystique, or maybe i just want someone to think i'm hot because i really am that shallow. Or knowing that someone is disappointing you and being ok with it because you get that approval or escape or something... anyway i don't even know what i'm getting at there, but there is something about the path of least resistance or the more efficient path or what you should do being not what you want to do because slouching is easier right now even though it'll fuck me up in the long run... i miss josh... no i don't he was a fuck, yes, i do, he was a good kisser and i love the silver spoon, dude, he wanted a black bmw convertible ass-hole alert!, yeah, butthe dog was cute, yeah but the dog was allowed to be in the room during sex... ok, the cons win... done


Play with me.

I'll bring the frisbee and the Magic Mirror.

I've been thinking a lot about slouching lately. I'm thinking that posture is the symbol for meditation in everyday life. And Im thinking that I noticed that too late. I hurt now, not just because of now, but because I was unwilling to do the work as I came--unwilling or unprepared to deal with life as it came to me. unwilling to sit up straight and lay down when I couldn't do it any more. A propetual quazi state of alert relaxed and relaxed at the expense of alert and many things at the expense of eachother and screwed up priorities. I remember my first grade teacher telling us to sit up straight, and I took it kind of like "I would if I could.....but whatever, Im gonna make sure I can do this work right before I care how I look when Im doing it". My slouching is also a residual fetal position. Another compromise-propetual-quazi state. this one of staying alive past when I otherwise might have died. Death compromised for life, but each compromised for the other. quazi in the body.
In this living meditation today, I have caught myself like a hundred times so far with my shoulders in my ears. I notice and I have known that otherwise I don't have the strength to do anything. what if I had got that strength in first grade? had listened to the teacher and my first lessons in integrity? I know I believed in integrity. I think I just still thought that my brian my spirit and my body were seperate things (and I still do, they are both seperate and singular). I think I thought that integrity was doing what I felt was important and that I could get away with the rest if I did well enough at that. I still catch myself thinking that I can get away with things. That I can be true on one level and not another...that I can believe and not do...do and not speak. But if integrity is your spiritual backbone, it touches all parts and it is our bouyance--it reaches us up and out, and it has to be guarded with mindfulness until it's second nature.

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