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Do you think you can feel it when your heart is breaking? I keep getting a shooting pain on my sternum between my 2nd and 3rd rib and when i push on it, i can feel it under my shoulder blade...


(oh god yes.)
The under-the-shoulder-blade thing is probably subscapularis---bastard. The rib thing, from the pattern, I'd guess seratus anterior. S.A.--muscle of among other things) like fabricated inhilation. best thing I can say is its like taking a breath from the outside rather than from inside (diaphram). I've heard it related to a pattern I don't quite understand--that it can get over emphasized in its breathing role when one is holding thier shoulders down. Maybe its about the difference between "holding your shoulders down" and "having your shoulders down" which is about the same difference as between breathing from the outside rather than the inside--ie, its about the effort used to do what needs to be done when what needs to be done should be happening naturally. ...so...force.
And that is my big question often: how do you let go when letting go seems to only happen through effort? When the only suggestion, the "answer", you are being given seems to be the question and seems to be, in any concrete terms: do exactly that which you cannot do.
Subscapularis, in my opinion, relates to a greif pattern. There are (bilaterally) greif points in the chest--kind of upper-lateral-pec-ish (which also super-relate to breath patterns and reflex to lungs or diaphram--but I don't know on that). So greif--whatever greif means, is an upper chest closer (if you want a visual on upper chest closing, look at me). Simply, as though the shoulders could come so far forward as to protect the heart. And if you think about it mechanically, that is medial rotation--the job of subscapularis--bastard.
so, probably you could read all this yourself. but maybe I will try if only for myself (because I'm in terrible pain right now).
I find that often pain is about force. About anything that agues from adversity. About one thing going against another. What I mean is, one thing feels something, then something else reacts, then the first reacts stronger... and no ammount of adversarial adjustment could ever do anything about it. Example--traps lift the shoulders up, lats pull them down, so traps lift harder, so lats pull harder. and eveything become over developed. everything hurts of its own creation. (Esalen teacher with her knuckle in my trap talked about the superficial muscles of anger; overdeveloped in our evolution through an under-emphasis of the nervous system of the more subtle deep muscles. Force overdeveloped at the expense of power).
Or, example two, Emmet gets at Milo, Milo gets at Emmet...............and then everyone's crying.
so maybe its not about a heart that is breaking, but of an energy that both wants to open and close and a heart that happens to be caught in the middle. Carolyn Myss puts it much more eloquently than I, but something like: again and again, your life will give you things that will crack your heart wide open. not in the sense of a "broken heart" but in the sense of laying it all out, creating the space to see, until your answer is "yes" to all that is inside it.
One of my final papers at UCLA was about the notion of objectivity--if it is possible, if it should be a scientific value. Sourcing the word, it means "to throw against"; the opinion I took was that objectivity is a process. And that, in that sense, "objective truth" exists only in the process of negot[/c]iation between different subjective truths.
That speaks to process, and to movement. But, speaking from the gap, or, bouncing between a universe of gaps...is that adversarial? My questions are, at once, how do we find truth, but even more, how do we find peace?
I think that truth is synonymous with love and love is peace. And that if we thinks we've found the truth, but it looks like suffering, its not really the truth.
So, on the object-subjective-how-do-we-think think, I think there are three pieces: We must live in our own subjective truth (experience exactly what you are experiencing without judgement), analyze from the gap, coliding subjective truths against each other (in the process of objectivity--a sort of checks-and-balance/reality check system for subjectivity), and remember that, though we live in a reality where is seems that there are different parts that can seem to be in adversity, all are true at once.
In other words, we must hold to the truth of our own experience, know that others have truths that are different than ours--and so work for a truth between truths that is the best answer in each moment, and open our hearts wide enough that we know that even in conflict, there is no compromise.

P.S. how is your levator scapula and TMJ?

mmm, on left side (same as everything else) my facial muscle and scalenes are gripped upwards...(my boss says scalenes hold all the screams we never let out...) therefore shoulder is up therefore serratus and subscap fight with pecs and traps... etc... no TMJ... but do bite the inside of my left lip to the point that my whole face is lopsided....
this teacher was saying just soften it and experience it... something to me marked, however, is the email to Josh last night coinciding with the sharp shooting pains in my sternum... at which point i began pushing on the point where the shooting pain was... it was that same achy "ahhhh" good hurt... then... my whole left arm released its tight bullshit... temporarily, but still... yes, i totally am an upper chest closer also... collar bones pop and whole trap is glued to, well, everything else... yeah, i've been laying it all out in so many ways (no weed)... its this give and take between everything hurting a lot more and feeling amazing relief from having spoken what hurts...

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