Wee little Lamby's Log

so I had this dream that I went to a barbeque for LA casting and it was sort of in the crossroads of the world courtyard but it was much bigger and it was at night. and i was walking around with this gay chick, maggie and a whole bunch of other people, not sure who exactly. Anyway, Maggie was talking about her upcoming sex change operation because she was looking forward to not having breasts. anyway, we were walking and came upon a museum of sorts. At this point there were two people with me, although i'm not sure who. And this museum was more of a crime scene where people went crazy and were murdered and apparently lots of bad stuff happened or something. the two people i was with went into this one room to see what would happen and got possesed by these bad or sad or evil (or something) spirits and i had to bolt outta there because i knew that if i tried to help them i would get sucked in too. and i ran and then try tried to run, too and a skeleton tripped them. I left htem behind and went to go find a job. So i went to this fishing store and they really wanted to hire me. There was a brown river running through the store and every now and again it would just rush. and i got stuck in the middle of it and the waves kept coming and i kept getting forced under the water by them. so i decided not to work there. And i went to this coffee shop and it was my first coffee shop boss from back in PV and it was this giant empty warehouse type deal and it was all edward scissor hands-esque. I think that was the end... it was weird.

Posted by Kiss my Black Ass! at 02:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

i forgot one and had another strange one (red is in the new one...) and they both involve being on drugs...

1. (from a long time ago) i was in this ginormous bed with like 15 people in it (a-la 6 in the bed and the little one said 'rollover, rollover) and it should be noted that everyone was tripping balls... and i was cuddling josh, but hte only person not on drugs was JR (if you don't know about JR, ask me later...) and he was trying to cuddle me and i was like, "first of all, i'm on drugs and you are freaking me out, and second, i'm cuddling josh, so get your boner outta my back" but he kept trying to cuddle me anyways.... so then we all went outside to check on the dog kennel... (i'm not really sure why, but there was a dog kennel in the back yard... and we discovered that the whippet had escaped (if you follow the kennel club dog shows, you would understand) so we searched all over New York for the whippet and a CSI officer helped us find it...
2. Josh and i were driving in an old-school red convertable at night again on lots of drugs... it reminded me of pee-wee's big adventure, when he's driving at night with that x-con... (i luuhhhhvv pee-wee and his adventures...) again, i was on lots of drugs.... and i was wondering what possessed me to drive while i was distracted by the pretty lights... and josh tried to sit on my lap, like he wanted to have sex, but he was straddling me, like i had a penis and he had a 'gina... and i was like, dude, that would be fun and all, but i cna't see the road around you... and i was on drugs, too, so it was extra difficult to have a penis, and have sex while driving the x-con-pee-wee car... so we stopped at a burget joint and there was this giant skate ramp thing in front of the door... you know, the kind they use to do tricks, it's shaped like a big U...
my dad was there and i kept wondering how the hell he got up the skate ramp seeing as i could barely do it and he had a bad back... jump cut... i'm back stage a beauty pageant and i'm on headset... Red is one of the contestants... all of the contestants had their moms there during the eveningwear segment. As they elegantly circled the stage, they explained why it was so important that their mothers were there sharing hte stage with them, and then the mom would say some gushy crap about how beautiful their daughter is and how proud they are... then it was red's turn. she was wearing a vintage-y white ruffly short number and was skipping and ballet-ing around and she said i brought my mom because they told me i had to and her mom said, i'm here because laura asked me to and i'm there when she asks me to be.... and that was the end, my friends...

i need a dream interpreter...

Posted by Kiss my Black Ass! at 09:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Do you think you can feel it when your heart is breaking? I keep getting a shooting pain on my sternum between my 2nd and 3rd rib and when i push on it, i can feel it under my shoulder blade...

Posted by Kiss my Black Ass! at 01:51 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Since having no weed, my dreams are friggin weird... and vivid:

1. My mom, sister, first dance teacher and her daughter were all eating dinner and there was clearly plenty of food and despite that fact, they told me that there was not enough for me and i was pissed off and they were telling me that i was selfish and to get over it...
2. i was on my way to go to moontribe with Gerrald and Miller and they were pretending that i don't exist... so i got pissed and went without them. On the way there my car broke down, but marriah and her master came along and picked me up. They tied me up, which was fun at the time, but then got distracted and forgot to untie me... so i was stuck. Aaron came along and he had brought me a boat, a really big one with other watercrafts in it, but he was upset because i didn't have a tarp to cover it with.
3. My old neighbor, Tom, moved back in next door. (when last i saw him he was 26, i was 15... he lived with his girlfriend, but would hit on me... gross...she got pregnant to move back to Boston, even though he wanted to stay and do film production....he was a tall irish boy) he had changed into a short jewish business man... he was looking in the fridge.. then i had to go to June street to get some of my stuff and Nick Noltie lived in my room (but it was really my gramma's old house) and he had to go get money from his girlfriend who owed a bakery. She was a bitch was making Red and Beefcake mop the floor. then she made me mop the floor. But it turned out that the bakery was really fusion dance studio. So i taught a class... the studio was carpeted with all these railings and ramps all through it and only old people took the class and they didn't like it becuase i told them they were crunching their lower back...

Posted by Kiss my Black Ass! at 11:09 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

i will begin with desiderata and then move on to some arcade fire lyrics...

Desiderata: (the part that i put in bold i wanna get tattooed on me)
-- written by Max Ehrmann in the 1920s --
Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

ok, now... some arcade fire

Wake Up

Somethin’ filled up my heart with nothin’, someone told me not to cry. But now that I’m older, my heart’s colder, and I can see that it’s a lie. Children wake up, hold your mistake up, before they turn the summer into dust. If the children don’t grow up, our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up. We’re just a million little god’s causin' rain storms turnin’ every good thing to rust. I guess we’ll just have to adjust. With my lighnin’ bolts a glowin’ I can see where I am goin’ to be when the reaper he reaches and touches my hand. With my lighnin’ bolts a glowin’ I can see where I am goin’ With my lighnin’ bolts a glowin’ I can see where I am go-goin’ You better look out below!

Rebellion (lies)
Sleeping is giving in, no matter what the time is. sleeping is giving in, so lift those heavy eyelids. people say that you'll die faster than without water. but we know it's just a lie, scare your son and scare your daughter. people say that your dreams are the only things that save ya. come on baby in our dreams, we can live our misbehaviour. Everytime you close your eyes lies, lies! people try and hide the night underneath the covers. people try and hide the light underneath the covers. come on hide your lovers underneath the covers. come on hide your lovers underneath the covers. hidin' from your brothers underneath the covers, come on hide your lovers underneath the covers. people say that you'll die faster than without water, but we know it's just a lie, scare your son, scare your daughter now here's the sun, it's alright! now here's the moon, it's alright! now here's the sun, it's alright! now here's the moon, it's alright! but everytime you close your eyes, lies!

Posted by Kiss my Black Ass! at 03:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Despite my eyeballs throbbing from drinking just 4 gin and tonics (i know, i'm such a fucking pussy...) the rage seems to have subsided... it's kinda like how i wish my period would be... you could just push a button and have it all come out at once and then be done with it... yay for mr. stillpoints emotional release points... it's like the go-button... or maybe it's just because i had mad monkey sex ofr hours upon end last night... ahhh, neurotransmitters are so easy...

it's kinda like how i wish my period would be... you could just push a button and have it all come out at once and then be done with it... yay for mr. stillpoints emotional release points... it's like the go-button...
i remember this thing that went something like, if you can't find your niche/place where you fit, you have to create your own... which i guess is more complicated... but kind of refreshing... i'm so lucky to have my yummymeat friends... after all of my spaz-hole-ness, greg is still going to let me dance in his sugar/sweet ... how do you spell abcess absces ... anyway you know what i mean... i mean, it's not like i'm gonna make any money, but i could just pretend the dance people that piss me off don't exist... it's hard not to compare and contrast and note that idiots get adolation, but i guess, really i don't want adolation from more idiots... this ballet teacher/actress acquataintance (jeez, i can't spell for shit...) of mine said this one time that she thought most modern dancers only dance for themselves without regard for the people watch and (get this this is the best part) that one must maintain a certain asthetic to expect people to watch and enjoy... a certain asthetic? does that mean there is only one that's acceptable? i would like to take this oportunity to liken this to something, actually maybe the thing, that made me despise lillian... she said make it the most beautiful tendu... i was like, hello??!?! beuaty is culturally defined... if i had no concept of "dance-y-dance" i would have no idea what she meant... i might have decided to do it with sicled feet and claw hands... hey, man what is beauty? don't assume that it's the same for everyone... i mean, we can all sort of agree on beauty... but let's talk about the hottentots, bigggg huge asses... we think that's hideous.. i know i'm scared to death of my fat... but that is amazing to them... i know i hate people based on such little things, and she probably didn't/doesn't get it at all, neither did the ballet teacher friend (who i based my "miss america" character on, by the way... sorry to you miss F if you happen to read this, no offense, i guess...) but it makes me upset that people see these people as so amazing and they cna't even get something as basic as the fact that not everyone values the same things as they do... people think they are sooo profesional and beautiful and respectable... and they live in thei big huge houses with all their material stuff that i can never hope to have.. they get respected, but they cannot respect other people on the most basic level.... but relaly, most people are like that and if you are going to create your own niche, you have ot encounter all of these people who don't get it... i have always struggled with that... you can be different but it's so hard, and then you are like giving up on yourself if you just go along with the norm...
bock to my hangover...

Posted by Kiss my Black Ass! at 02:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

so funny how we forget things so soon... ie: explanation for particularly strong bout of rage...

mr. stillpoint put some needles in my feet that are supposed to let me release all the negative emotion that i was stuffing when i was stoned all the time... i really need to stay away form people... isolationism is the way to go... being around people always gets me into some sort of trouble... with myself or others... doens't matter... i like Nine Inch Nails... i like angry... pay close attention to the below lyrics... if at any time you feel you are going to vomit please place one hand over your mouth and raise the other and i will stop the ride as soon as possible...

I'm becoming less defined, as days go by
Fading away, well you might say I'm losing focus
Kind of drifting into the abstract in terms of how I see myself
Sometimes, I think I can see right through myself
Sometimes, I think I can see right through myself
Sometimes, I can see right through myself

Less concerned, about fitting into the world
Your world that is, cause it doesn't really matter anymore
(No, it doesn't really matter anymore)
No, it doesn't really matter anymore
None of this shit really matters anymore

Yes, I am alone, but then again I always was
As far back as I can tell, I think maybe it's because
Because you were never really real to begin with
I just made you up to hurt myself

I just made you up to hurt myself
Yeah, and I just made you up to hurt myself
I just made you up to hurt myself
Yeah, and I just made you up to hurt myself
And it worked

Yes it did!

There is no you, there is only me
There is no you, there is only me
There is no fucking you, there is only me
There is no fucking you, there is only me

Only (x4)

Well, the tiniest little dot caught my eye
And it turned out to be a scab
And I had this funny feeling
Like I just knew it's something bad

I just couldn't leave it alone
Picking at that scab
It was a doorway trying to seal itself shut
But I climbed through

Now I'm somewhere I am not supposed to be
And I can see things I know I really shouldn't see
And now I know why now, now I know why
Things aren't as pretty on the inside

There is no you, there is only me
There is no you, there is only me
There is no fucking you, there is only me
There is no fucking you, there is only me

Only (x8)

Posted by Kiss my Black Ass! at 02:49 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Lillian Buttfuck... er, i mean Bitkoff is also on the list...

Posted by Kiss my Black Ass! at 02:41 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

here are more reasons that dancing is the worst thing ever...

ok, so we'll start with the fact that i told the asswipes at UCLA that I would come over there and dig through boxes my damn self to find my senior project tape like a year and a half ago, but noooo, they had to guilt trip me about being a pain in their ass and then make a cool person do their fucking grunt work... um, helloooo, i totally offered.... i call bullshit...
second... the fucking NANO piece of shit: I totally helped Nora configure and organize her thoughts for the fucking nano shit (for which i got no credit) and i totally went to more rehearsals than everyone else... i was 15 minutes late for one and i get pulled out of basically the whole thing... so my job was to usher the audience... talk about embarrassing... jesus christ... it was a big huge giant fuck you... then i didn't even get notified when they performed the piece again... suck my hairy balls, you fucking bitch...
and let's talk abou Louise Reichlin... and let's also talk about Hahn Nuyen... both of them are psycho cunt bags that called me fat on several occasions... Louise told like 15 people that it took me 7 years to get through college, which is not fucking true... it took 4 years and one quarter... bitch... and Hahn expected me to go sight seeing in NYC when i was jet lagged and got pissed when i needed to stretch before a rehearsal that i literally ran to after getting off the plane from LA to NY... then she told me i was whiney when i stopped dancing to tape up my bleeding foot... and let's also talk about the fact that like no one ever asks me to dance for them... um...
i realize that the only was i get to dance is to be in a university and then i don't get in... in large part due to the fact that tfucking UCLA wouldn't let me dig through boxes myself to get my tape... and then they have the nerve to ask me why i don't want to dance anymore?@?@?@?@jkju^&*%^&$*@^GHBJKY&@*^YUP*(&*^TY AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
i hate everything... and i hate you and i hate me and most of all I HATE DANCE...

Posted by Kiss my Black Ass! at 01:37 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)