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Alexithymia

The last few times I've been asked my name, I had the impulse to answer something else.

Misty disappeared and may have been a spirit cat. but that would be weird because other people saw her too. Angela thought she might have to put her to sleep, but didn't know quite what to do. Maybe the cat had come to her so that she could...do what needed to be done. Son shouldn't be around a sick cat. We talked about it and I made tomato sauce. Son played with the plastic lid of a water bottle for 2 hours. I left and came back and he was still playing with it. I said, "oh, to be a cat...endlessly amused with a water bottle cap" and angela said she was thinking that also. but then I realized that we are like that. Only with a more complicated and abstract water bottle cap. We had been batting around angst for hours.

Alexithymia is when you don't have words for feelings. I felt that way for a long time. so I just stopped talking. Some people think it has to do with pre-verbal trauma. That powerful events that shaped your matrix for feeling happened before you had words. If nothing else, birth trauma---so, everyone has some. And probably death trauma as well. Under the surface, or floating above: the sense of unspeakable unknown. Our existence and non-existence. Some people get stuck there--in everything that doesnt have words.

After Alexithymia comes sublimation and projection...that is, if we are not simply paralyzed. we function by finding reasons for the feelings on the tips of our tongue. An explaination. A container for a fear that would be there anyways, but everyone has a symbol they then can avoid.And smaller---even minute to minute: Am I stressed out because I have all this stuff to do...or do I have all this stuff to do because I am stressed out?

maybe I *manifested* stressful things because I was tuned in to a stressful vibration. Or that my stressed out nervous system is looking for resolution from a long past stressful event: amp up again, fall apart, get hurtwhatever. maybe this time will be different.

regardless where it comes from, the feeling is real.... and even when we think we know the reason for what we feel, we are mistaken, or its just a piece. I gave angela permission to yell at aaron, because when I walked in, he was eating my honey with a spoon from a jar and there was avocado peel in the trash. Later, I discovered that it wasn't my avocado....there were others...so I wrote a note apologizing. Really I was angry because the other stuff he had let me down on. That we were probably going to lose the garden and for the bag of eggplants I gave him and he let rot. And for Christian who disrespected me everyday and had no way to understand what it was or how it hurt. It came down to a feeling of violation and no power. But it wasn't my avocado, so I shouldn't have accused him, but then I saw that he had eaten my cheese. Raw cheese, that he probably couldnt even tell the difference from other cheese. That would have lasted me two weeks, and he probably didn't even chew. And it was true: it seems that things are often taken by people who cannot understand the value of what it was.

But it didn't even matter, two days later, that whole world went away. But I keep asking it for justice. Such betrayal and loss again and again it seemed, but this time actually realized, NO its not me. That's fucked up. But why even bother. they cant hear. maybe I used to lose my voice, it was because I wouldnt stop talking to people who couldn't hear. So I told my mom I was angry, and brushed hard past Ashley. no safety and no home.
Again....

And all this present history came after I noticed that time was real. That time is not an illusion or a construct, it is a line right now, between everything that happened before and everything that hasn't happened yet. And that presence is standing at the edge of a cliff and truly seeing the void.

I heard that the decision to become a healer changes your chart. But probably any choice that is believed in and heard. Stepping out of karma, not in the sense of "no action". but in the uncoupling of past and future, the most important action of
the conscious choice
that now is not then.

In April, I saw a well renown psychic. He gave me what I needed to hear in order to run up a mountain and find yellow flowers, and finally be hungry again. He told me to leave Camilla and we wouldn't be friends. But most else he said has been wrong.

Like everything he said, he was my karma. Projections forced upon me by that moment, sure to change. Telling the future is actually just telling the present. A description of the current lens. That's the thing---the observer. As soon as you look upon the blue print, it is changed. I saw it. it changed me. and I changed it.

So, the battle at the brink. Can I stay empty. stand there and see nothing? or do I see what I have seen so many times before. Again with only a couple of things and no place to put them, or too many things in a mess. again angry at people who could never give justice? or something else?

not determined. as soon as I saw it. it changed. ....so, what does that do to *universal law*? it means the only law is choice. and it may take a million choices to slowly choose different. But now I meditate to a blackness in front of me. not thinking that the blackness is there to conceal. letting it be
simply black. imagining my choices to be free.

But still,
there are other people playing here, too
there are calls and warnings and a now to unwind
and sometimes:
I wonder why things are so heavy. The things that I should have the strength to move:
a door,
a computer,
my legs up the stairs.

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