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what is this?
this thing that is so clear: this thing.
"Thing" say, "thing" that is such a weak word
so who will tell an other?
This thing is here on the tip of your tongue
or, cough it up from the back of your throat
and, awaiting interpretation
can you hold it
quiver in your hand? this thing.
Is it a concrete house in the city?
Is it walking distance from the same day you go everyday?
Is it just enough not to cry
and then more of the same?
or is it something else,
this thing.
Could it be that you lay on the ground
and see the veins of the tree? this thing,
it burst into tears on the freeway
wondering what note finally let it free.
what word on the phone
what bump in the texture of the steering wheel
what wave in the ocean cracked this thing open
which breath, which sigh, which time she cried
this thing


18: There is a bed in the back of the car but she does not lie down. I talked to michael walker on the phone and that made me deeply happy. I listened to the same regina specktor song 6 times. The monkey mind was powerful and funny if we gave it an inch of distance. The ocean was the color of my sister's eyes when she was a baby. last night, Jack drunk dialed me and I let it go to voice mail (how does one get off of a drunk dial list?). This morning was a very long time ago...now, would you have my baby? Yes.

19. I met a dark entity doing bodywork and was afraid. I dont get afraid. Camilla and I talked about what is an "entity". what is A "constellation".

We ate dark chocolate with marzipan. When ever we do this, I am reminded of an Aimee Bender

story, I think in "girl with the flammable skirt". I dont know what story it is or what the story is about. That's what I love about Aimee bender. I remember her stories somewhere deep inside me, but never remember; what happened. the characters. or anything at all.

20: I went to my mom's birthday party. It was a scene from a John Waters movie, but no sex or nudity. it was done up like a wedding-baby-shower-birthday-halloween party. it was the opposite of classy. my mom seems both too old and too young. Embracing old-age and teenage when neither should fit. I never know what to do with this. There were bubbles. The teenagers look like we feel. My aunt said, "no stories?" "none that I can tell now". I asked my mom, "are you happy?" yes.

21: I went to my house to find the Aimee Bender book. I realized I never owned it. I remembered another scene from another Aimee Bender book where the character couldn't tolerate anything with more than two steps involved. I feel like this most the time. The character was so hungry and so overwhelmed that she took soap from under the sink and peeled slices off to eat. she ate the whole bar. it seemed like the easiest most logical thing to do in th moment. I drove home fantasizing about eating soap.

22. I played clay at the autistic school. I saw Vic and Emmet at whole foods. I made fried rice with cranberry sauce. death hangs in the air.

23. I ordered the book off amazon. I am very aware of crows.

24. the email said my order shipped

25. I am shifting from the signifier to the signified. in ordering this book, these are no longer words for their own sake, not even caring anymore if it is possible to have a symbol with out a reference. In fact, probably caring too much. You see, these coconuts, they are not like other coconuts. These coconuts already know before I buy them that they are not good enough. That, okay, maybe they are good enough, but that they will never be enough. These coconuts know, before they even try. And this isn't a sad thing at all. It is okay.

26. I got really sick.

27. "marzipan" is about letting go. rather, about not letting go and of being held onto. Contrary to often, I very much remember the end: the girl asking to be excused from the table. receiving no answer, she stays.

28. I walked outside and my plants were gone. the pots were there, but the plants were gone. At first I thought that Aaron had gotten the plumbers to come and that, in the spirit of everything "robert", they had been destroyed. but the trelace was gone and there were no roots or leaves or spilled dirt. in fact, it was more like the plants had never grown at all.

29. Girl number one thinks she is very smart. Girl number two agrees. One and Two sit behind Three, who cannot see them, but listens. One talks fast and projects like a lecturer, though her voice is tiny and light and probably wearing a baby-T. Two pauses One and repeats her three foundations, slowly, not to miss anything. It is an interview. One is special. One sits just behind Three, so Three can’t see if One is looking. But One is psychic anyways.

30. there are marzipan pears on the table. but they are real pears, not marzipan. the kind that marzipan--carefully formed and painted---can look like. but they are not marzipan. they are pears. I am in not-quite-so-much-pain now. Tomorrow, I will wash my hair and this will be done.


mmm soap... i used to eat these lavender or rose candies from trader joe's and they tasted like soap and it made me feel clean in my soul... my mom seems both too old and too young, then so do i, then so do you... it's weird... the old/young split...

really? clean in your soul? thoes lavender candies pissed me off. there was a box of them at poweryoga for like a year. everyonceandawhile Id get so desparate id try one. then Id spit it out.
your tastes are far more refined.

either that or i have a wierd school marnm fantasy involving washing my mouth out with soup for saying the lord's name in vain... veighn vein... i hate same sounding but differently spelled words...

If my voice could be anything, I think it would be a cross between Aimee Bender and David Foster Walace. is that crazy?

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