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i dont know

I just got back from therapy. a 7 hr ordeal, as I am an idiot and seeing someone in santa barbara. i have the visual of holding a lighter to a hundred and a twenty. I guess i mostly talked through the therapist. on the way, I found a spider in my coffee. or rather, found a spider in my mouth, via the coffee. the spider is dead. this disturbed me deeply. I didnt tell the therapist this, instead I ranted about Michael Madden.

i could take the death of the spider by coffee to be deeply symbolic. there is somethig in me that wants to be afraid. that same something gets mad about wasting time and money. that same something is still scared that everyone will leave me as they already have.
I think it is in the decision to move through the fear. to get some goddamn discipline and a back bone to decide what Im about beyond some holy victim of trying so hard but not quite doing. being too sensative. too vulnerable. If I am strong, will I kill the spider? or was it the coffee that killed the spider (the nutritional equivalent of too much control).

all of these things, I offer them into the unknown.

recently, i decided to restore myself to the sacred unknown. some would say that when we say "i dont know" we are lying. repressing. maybe
but, looking back, I see a connection between removing my "i dont know" and losing my connection to god. to that which I ultimately dont know.

chaos, maybe. letting the rules that keep most people glued melt one by one.
but, my stupid little cognition....I dont want the world to be that small. I want to feel something bigger than I can understand. this is when I feel real.
oherwise, you are just a thought and just what I think of you.

i surrender
to that which cannot be spoken, heard, or even felt. I know that most of our work happens here, even though the ego would like to take responsibility. to a world not bound by my perceptions. who knows what alchemy is in this bullshit. who knows.

"I dont know" means there are gods.
"I dont know" means what we make up together is bigger than any one piece or person or action.
In "I dont know" I start to know and I agree to an endless unknowing.

are you wiling to serve what's behind your eyes? Believe without proof to get in the way
do you want to see reality even if what's shown is chaos and the ego falls apart?
do you want it even if it makes you look bad, even if no one gets you, even if you do the work and study forever and the work moves through you but still
you dont get to know.

even if the spider dies?

yes.
and,
I dont know.

so, the therapist did not ask about the spider.
nor did she ask about the fact that, once I left, later that day, things will happen until I delete my best friend from my phone.
she did not ask if he ever was my friend or if I ever was good enough his.
she didnt ask why, at best, some of my friends will love me enough to take care of me, but nothing else, or why most wont even do that.

If I believed in "deserve" I would say "I dont deserve this", but since I dont, I simply dont choose it anymore. and, whatever, in the spectrum of things from seathing hate to throwing a taco bell cup in the range of affect from bliss to crying again, from perfect strength...to this
at least I know hate. have stared murder in the face. have worked closely enough with it that call it what it is. in the spectrum of things
I dont know.

the therapist did not ask what it would take to ever make life real.
she did not ask what it would take for me to not be provisional
for me to be held and to hold
she did not ask what it would be like to look at her and not fall through her eyes into hazy light, not to doubt her physical existence as to light and too solid
she did not ask how the spider was.

or, maybe she did and I wasnt listening.

Comments

that's kind of a commentless blog... i think. so yeah, we are all probably spiders in coffee... in one way or another. and i can't help but think of bashar and say: people leaving (or rather, what i would more want to say is "the interpretation" that they are leaving) will continue until it is ok if they do or if they don't. life goes on without the spider and if we think about the spider too much, then, how much of our own life that is still left is spent thinking about some stupid dead spider. and as i'm writing this in response to your blog, my inner narcissist is letting me know that i'm actually writing it to myself... or something...

The spider is the one that weaves between worlds. this world and the underworld, or whatever. its not so much about the spider leaving, but me killing it...wondering: am I killing my crazy? am I therefore killing my connection to 2 worlds. But I guess that bashar is right, if the spider is lost, he is lost and why worry. and if the spider is not to be lost he wont be lost.

I am scared of school and jealous of Leah...really I dont run any risk of killing my crazy.

if your crazy gets lost, you can borrow some of mine, k?

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