the Divine Ms. L...

Fear that I am being left or that I will be left. Im noticing that it is a fear of being abandoned by the universe in general---by my own expectations.

"There was a contract! " I scream. "yeah...Un written, Un spoken. "
but, then again, it happened before I was born, " things were supposted to happen at least within certian guidlines" you told me!
"who?"

so. I have the temper tantrum---withdraw everything I "thought" I believed, and realize---once again--that I have a line.
"no deal!"
fine.

recently: noticing people who get stuck and only can see in and people who get stuck and only can look out. Like anything. of course, the answer is in between.
I had a diagram theory once that this thing we call "Self" is not the enclosed area of the circle, but the line used to form the circle its self---only in this way can we look both out and in.
And what holds the inner world and the outter world is trust ---trust that they are held together.
An infant--moving out of its primary autism--what holds the inner world and the outter world together is:
blankey.

but anyways. Not wanting to be schizophrenic and not wanting to be a politician. I want to look in and out. that trust that binds my inside and outside together, that lets me at least try to speak out from within and be heard: same force that keeps each atom from flying away from the rest.

the fact that you survived means that you have established basic trust (or Erikson would tell us). The fact that you are sitting here means you have some degree of agreement to this reality. Enough basic trust to keep you from instantly combusting.

or, maybe somehow---the oposote and the same---I am here because my belief is too solid. that bit of me that holds on to Me. That lets me be an asshole and spew it all over the place and then try to call it self protection---which is very much what it is. Maybe I let go. And maybe i turn into dust. but for that I need trust. The same trust that will hold me together.

I want to believe that [healthy] Self structure and and selflessnesss are not mutually exclusive and likewise that letting go doesnt mean crazy. I think that kind of proves it. only through trust can you let go. Only through letting go can you ever hold it together.

BK once--in different words---explained to me that you have to be willing to die to truely be alive. it is kind of the prerequeset ground rule. This idea came up around my being too afraid to do a vipassana because I thought I might go crazy and might not be able to find my way back. He told me.
you have to want it enough that you are willing to go for it---accepting that you might go crazy and that you might never make it back. as Chris Downing said--you cannot assume rebirth to follow death. you have to truely die with no hope or else it doent count...you cant say "death--rebirth" as though they are a single word.

you have to want it baddly enough.

goddamnit.