Angry blog---ready? Go!
soooo, buddha doesn't like the flyer. After the last conversation, her saying she "trusts my judgement, do something" and then having this big judgement. And maybe I should have could have, still could consult her everystep of the way, but then nothing would have gotten done; I feel our sensabilities my not be reconsilable and it would be another opertunity for me to just fold. Unfortunately, Im getting good at that. They done even see my power, not that its not there. But I see myself through them...
So, I stood up. I emailed saying "[maybe you can understand how I am sensative/nervous about this on many levels]" 1. teaching at this studio---which is at once the place I was born and at the same time the thing that is sucking my energy now. 2. I've never put myself on my own flyer before and though I can kind of relate to the energetics of it, there is a degree to which I fundamentally dont believe in it----for me, not nec. for anyone else. She wrote back saying that I shouldn't be so sensative. OR how bout this, be a little more courtious!
Ok, but thats not the thing. Then we talked on the phone and she said that what she didn't like was the way she looked in the picture. SHe said that she can be very photogenic and didn't think she was in that picture.
And I got confused.
I chose that picture specifically because I thought she looked beautiful in it.
Maybe softer than usual.
more honest, less hiding.
My point is, I am interested now in how people think there beauty is located differently than others see it. I was thinking: how often is it that I see someone as beautiful at just the moment that they are failing at their own conception. The part that says "Im photogenic" the part that thinks we ever dont see through what you're trying to project. and I mean that for everyone.
Maybe beauty is when the outside becomes transparent. So your deepest bit shows through.
Out truth is in the glitches when the picture jumps, when the stolen cable fails and we see this TeeVee world isn't the real thing.
And I saw no wabisabi draw in that picture. It wasn't about the beautiful imperfection....I only saw perfection; and I saw it in a way that I didn't think my heart could be wrong.
But, then again, even if our beauty is in our truth and our truth in the moments our beauty fails...maybe we dont want to be seen. We want our constructed beauty to succeed so that we can keep believeing that beauty can be constructed. We create and create and create ourselfs. But why?