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Ouch...but now i kind of get it

A pain induced bad mood several days long. Yesterday, only making it through by the grace of a quarter xanax at the bottom of my bag. Today, subconciously, maybe too confused at the source of this pain and frustration--start finding reasons outside myself but yet that have to do with my self; things that happen, have happened TO ME. Today, I start to lash out. Having decided that everybody dislikes me, making sure to dislike them back. Protection...right? Pre-emptive.

And by now I should know whats really going on once I find I can't walk the streets of Santa Monica without feeling torn apart. A superficial layer of social-comentary-anger of how things should-be-different, sitting delicately on top of what I'm really feeling which is more vast only in the sense that its totally specific to each person I walk by.
And there is a sense in which they are just beautiful animals to me. And archetypes, or characatures, or, sometimes, impressionistic figures. And I find that to soften the back of my skull I must soften my eyes and then all this non-sensical shit rushes in. And I see that the unchecked-compassion for the whole is only overwhelming because it is made up of so many parts. And social-comentary-anger might be the only thing that could keep you from zooming in on somethig that would be too much to see.
And there is another anger, a mini rage rushes in---for the spiritual quest, which seems to be the "business" I'm in. And I appease myself with the thought that I don't have to go to school to study yoga because I am sick of the competition in masturbation...because---look at the results.
But I tell my students that we have to keep the image of what we envision alive--sustain the possibility--against all proof that it isn't true. And surely this also applies to all these shadows disguised as light. And, even as I walk by these pictures of people---me defining them in this moment by this moment; I don't want to be defined as this snap shot. Some times I think that this pain is about loneliness; about just wanting to be seen, heard and touched only in a way that lets me know that I am.
Oh, so the pain is upper back and and mostly neck. Chest closing stuff on the upper back and chest, but as for the neck: psychic receptor for one. Also, Jordan says its where tension goes when teh nervous system is overwhelmed. Speaking of overwhelmed nervous system, I learned the other day that autism is considered a vatta disorder. Makes sense that I would move from that to anxiety (more air) as I moved to deal more in the world. So I had taken this whole situation to be anxiety and fear. I forgot about the water. Until tonight-- I sweat for the first time in a long time.
Round three: third day in a row taking Anaswara's class. First two classes spent in savasana. Determined to win this time (and by that I think I mean come out feeling better and not worse), I covered myself with china gel. And I realized: it seems that so long as the muscles are holding, you can't really know what they are holding...its almost as thought they have to let go first. And (by the grace of china gel) they at least kkind-of did. And as I felt my neck relax, even for a moment, I noticed how much I was experiencing.
I was describing to Greg my interepretation of the vatta descriptions of autism (since we have autistic students). And how its interesting to see how this manifests in the muscles. Often (especially the back of the body, neck hamstrings) so tight. As thought the earth of the body is trying contain the crazy air. In the instants my neck was soft, I noticed that this was not air, this was water. Both in the sese of receptivity and of fluidity. I was both flowing alkl over the room, and not willing to flow at all. I had no boudaries... I was right inside everybodies stuff. I was smelling the man next to me, and some part of me was reading his whole life. And another part of me was just not wanting to smell his life at all. And there was some process going on all over that room.
I notice that I feel this way when I am very sesative--both personally, feeling unsupported (mostly--not in school and disapearing teachersss) and non-personally, getting a lot of information. And the neck is like blocking the reception. As though I'm not willing to listen. The last two days, in the ceter of it, I had started asking "for what I was hurting" but today, I realized that at some level I know...and that maybe its not so important that I get to congnatively know, right now. So today I just started asking to be willing. To not block it. To see. I remembered the bits of claiming the sovreignty of my vessel (that I can choose when), but I realized how important it is to me to be working in ways that let me listen and respond.
I really do mean to do something. And I really do believe that if I was doing what I need to do, I would be in flow and not pain. Dina said I need to be trainined, and I want that more than anything. But then she disappeared again. Im sure it is all timing. And tonight I remembered to remember what I had forgoton. I guess its silly to what more teachers when you forget what the ones you've had have told you. Maybe that will be when---when I stop for getting. And when I remember to keep asking against all evidence otherwise. I want to see more. I want to feel more with out being torn apart. And I know there is a reason.

Comments

My 10 year old Jr. Team girl, Emily K., never wondered about pain. She just made her transition yesterday. Knew her for half her natal death. Great kid.

A great reminder that life doesn't happen to you, life happens through you.

More important than knowing and find "it", pained or not, is nurturing the sure parts you know that you know. Your "job", nurture it. Your love, nurture it. Your sureness, nurture it. Your knowingness, nurture it. Nurturing seems to make sense to me.

What happened to Emily??

interesting about the autism... god, i'm so fukcing air and water, too... anxiety and mild autism... harhar... it weird - the commonablities... i guess also, regarding the pain thing: you have to learn to selectively sheild... really hard for me, but Josh was telling me that when i almost socked this ass-wipe at the bar because he was being all touchy feely and loud as all fuck to his submissive quiet-type girlfrind... not my problem... my mom said it today too: people drive that way because that's all they can do and if you let them affect you, your becoming them, taking their energy on, you can only control what you do... and physically, we have to learn stuff or we wouldn't be here...

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