the Divine Ms. L...

I warn you, this will meander.
(and it may sound super crazy.)

Last night or this morning, at 2 am, I almost ran out of gas. Or rather, I did and it stalled, but I managed to start it again.
This has been happening far too often. I remeber my dad used to do it all the time (as in, walking to the gas station as often as driving there), the kind of running so hard in a way that just propetuates more running...or walking, as it were, with a gas can.
And my car is also full of clutter. I think the car mess thing made me first notice that we are not just body/minds in this modern culture, but body/mind/cars (or other transportation or lack there of). In this moment, eveidently, full of the wrong stuff, empty of the necessary. Or maybe that's just what I think. But-- either way -- I would like to think--with a sense of purpose; and no doubt about what I'm serving even when I don't know the details.

Yesterday I had one of thoes days when my head was glowing in that special way that says, "come up to me and tell me your life story!". This is better than when it glows in the way that says, "come up to me and tell me what you think my life story is" . I used to have thoes a lot; I've come to not mind either. I know both are when I'm not sheilding--totally present in a way that lets people use me as a mirror. I've learned what these events feel like and so I shift to observer--seeing everything in front of me as their process, and making it my job first to listen. I think about what my contract with this person is in this moment. Why did they come to me? How do I be with them in a good way?
I think the difference between the two states is the way I got there: when I am present because I am raw; they take their shot: they reveal themself by talking about me. When I am present out of hope and strength and joy...I feel myself attracting the part of them that wants to be better. I notice (often after the fact) that I was looking at their possibility; not distracted or afraid of what they were showing me at that moment. Maybe that's why they feel okay showing me. I'm glad to be able to give them that. I think the trick is to keep their process outside of me. It really seems there are so many layers to Empty.

Monday night, I got a session from Dina. Many fabulous things happened; because of which or inspite of which, I ended up in a ball: my front side disappearing into my back--it took me fifteen minutes to look her in the eye afterwards. Barely in control, I left and my first thoughts were of vicodin and liquor, but lately I've been hearing my strenght against more odds and opted for Ram Dass tapes and go to bed.
She had talked to Michael for me---the Archangel--he is the great clearer of space. (Last night I was googleing him and found that some think that Jesus was an incarnation of Michael) She said he said he was willing to be with me and help me. He would help me clear my space and the space of others. So, as I fell asleep, I talked to him. He was there with a light-being I already know. And I felt that his light, his fire, was so hot that anything would burn up.
I woke many times to a battle--as though I would wake up in time to do whatever I semi-conciously needed to do. There were dark heavy things that I wasn't afraid of--both becuase I knew they wern't mine and because I felt like the battle itself wasn't even personal. At the most intense point, I heard Boris---the Buddha cat--meowing. I figured at least one of these things was him. But when I woke up in the morning, both doors were still closed and he was still in his chair.

So, yesterday (tuesday), when a subtle scizophrenic came up to me (I say subtle because I did not pick up the clues immediately), I let her talk and I observed everything I was getting of her. I saw the tipping-point-sort moment she was in (different that most scizophrenics you meet who have a sort of steady volitile state). I said and did what I thought I needed to do--what I needed to say for her and what a needed to do in terms of boundaries and containment (physically and energetically). But the whole exchange was different. Michael was next to me--between us--and whatever was going on for her was burning up in my new atmosphere. I could do what I needed to do, but not as a sacrifice.

Dina said that are emotion seem to snowball because energy wants to join like energy. That when we are joyful and hopeful, like energies will be around us. And when we are hopeless; sad, hopeless energies will join us and they will start using our bodies to process. Not that I ever get taken over, I know I do take things on. I process things for people who around me who can't process them themselves... and maybe even energy that doesn't have a body to process through.
Ultimately, I think that the same people could walk up to you for different reasons. What I mean by that is, in one state, they will come to you to join you, to drag you down and in another they will come to you so that you can raise them up. The dark part attracted to the dark, or, their possibility attracted to possibility. Being a light that light can join and get lighter--brighter.

Today, Wednesday (I told you it would meander). A bit tired and overwhelmed, a bit confused but still feeling sure. I did manage to get to the gas station. I did manage to do the project for Andrea this morning that I never thought I would finish. I got a slightly dirty e-mail and that made me very happy. Wishing for real connection to each person who I see in passing. Some kind of empty: Somewhere between possibility and raw. Watching the chick in the other room cycle hard and apply her subconcious to everyone. Knowing what I have to do, but no clue what I want to do next. Sitting here, like the buddah-cat in the chair, holding space for it all.