the Divine Ms. L...

Monkey and beefy went out again. I'm watching the melancholy rain and thinking I just don't have it in me to try right now. So I slack on what I can, didn't make any of the phone calls I should have. But it seems the only way for me to be around people if for me to be working hard. I'm noticing, anyone I appreciate, I try to find a way to serve. That in itself isn't bad. But I see that the only way I can relax is alone, if at all. The rain makes me just want to sit with someone. Talk with someone. about nothing important.
Maybe I'm working out some modal shame. Or, certianly I am; I don't know what. I was reading an idea that we have this sort of existential shame built into the human soul---it comes from the part of us that knows we could be infinity and won't be pleased until we are. In that sense, then, is it guilt? not of doing, but of not doing---all we can?
Maybe its just that my friends work hard also. Harmonie and I went for tea the other night for my birthday; this is too rare. We work so hard: out of shame? out of necessity? out of seeing the need and wanting things to be better for everyone now? out of....
I know my friends are at the brink of something.
I'm also around a lot of people who are high resonance, but who are steady---they hold a place as a marker that others move past. But that is different. We are reaching...maybe because we are close to something. Maybe because we sometimes get a glimpse. Maybe the shame is more because a last bit needed is so heavy. the last bit to the next level. Born into a really good life but also one that puts in my face both its terrors and its princesses. Being asked to reconcile. "the atman project" you feel the gravity, you feel the disillusionment of being tossed back.
Today, I named it "yoga malaise": the feeling of getting lost and then finding your way back disillusioned. I have lost-my-self before and sometimes had the opposite result--come back feeling integrated and elated. But I guess both are parts. Or maybe today I just forgot to stay protected....I wanted too bad to let my guard down, and maybe it wasn't safe.
So when I said to beffy, (mad on the phone) "someday I will have friends!" this is not to negate the ones I have and the way I have them now. Not to disregard the work I do. And, ok, maybe it is lack-o-swara talking. But it is also a genuine prayer that someday soon it will feel better. And I keep remembering when it does and when it has. I remember other yoga classes---one when I could have come back to a cold hard world, where instead, after, the teacher and I hugged. Okay that sounds stupid, but man, I'll remember that and keep going even if it never feels like that again. Even if it always does hurt. Even if I always feel I'm missing a mark and trying alone; its okay.
But for now I only dream to dream. Asking that I might dream something (contrary to furburger, I dream once a month at best), anything. But actually, honestly, when I go to sleep I ask to go where I'm needed (okay, and sometimes I ask to go to specific people). Maybe I don't see dreams because I'm busy in other people's dreams. Maybe I do have work to do. Maybe I am somewhere loving them. It feels better to me to write that. I am honored when I get to hold someone else up. When I get wrapped up in the bullshit, that's when I feel bad. Again, when I am doing what I need to, alone has its purpose.
But sometimes I hold space for this agenda. The one that wants more. That sees things and wants what's there. Maybe the Lack-o-swara part is the passive voice (this used to drive Marisa mad). that I say "I want" and I can justify that...but okay fine: it WILL be okay, it WILL feel better, it IS okay and it IS better, and it WILL be better still. (not just for me, but for eveyone.)