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Dina said that talking to me is like swimming. I'm beginning to understand how that must feel. I've never noticed it before--I've always been swimming--I only felt wierd when I tried to find the ground.

Ally said to me one time, "you don't seem like yourself", I asked her if I ever do...I don't know if I'm ever the same self twice. I know I shape shift. Maybe thats instable. Is being addicted to impermanace the same as just fear of commitment? I don't know---keep swimming--everything's equally instable and secure. Boundaries are about figuring out where I end. Most people; its easy to get lost in. I have one friend who is the moon, and I feel so pulled by her. And another who is the earth--I crash against her untill she finally snaps.
Dina also said that maybe I'm an energy that has been around a lot, but that hasn't been human very much. I've always felt that way. At Theosophy, they say that once you've got the 7th principle, you can't go back (they say that, though a human can act worse than a dog, they cannot become one (they really like to talk about dogs)). The first conversation I walked into there was on reincarnation. The old men asked me, "What do you think reincarnates?". I think they were looking for what part. But I think there are two questions.
If the question is what continues?, my answer is everything, If the question is what picks a body, my answer is whatever needs to. And, form or no form, its all still here...its not like there's anywhere else to go.
And on Sunday night class, I piss off the doctor. I find myself defending the soverignty of brocoli (as much as a poodle...as much as a human) again and again. However, trying to win at logic to dispute the superiority of logic just won't work. All I know is that, sometimes, it feels like there's more behind my eyes than in front of them--and I don't know if it's where I'm comming or going. And that, once you know that what you need to be doing has nothing to do with the form this doing takes, the continuity of this stream of self becomes even more subtle. And that sometimes, when I find myself down by the ocean; it feels like I finally remembered to go home.
And speaking of streams and rivers and oceans, this week I was struck by the obvious (actually, just a few days before my teacher started to explain it). I noticed that nada and nadi have the same root (duh): sound--river--energy channel. It both makes sense and unfolds in crazy ways. Everything is vibration, and vibrations stepping down into form; around these channels of vibration. The sound: both what manifests the form and what gives that sort of free-radical part so that its only certian in this moment.
"In the beginning there was the...." maybe not word, but logos---Brian explained it to mean concept before form---but really even sound prior to any concept. The unmanifest manifest, that single point, the place before dualism, and I wonder if the wave even vibrates here. Also, in the beginning there was darkness and light...but this sound, this river even prior to that; the one preceeds the two; the One behind the two.
And it gets more and more interesting to me how when you make it to silence that there is so much to hear. And it makes more and more sense how clear hearing of this is a perfection. To be a clear channel for this river to sweep through. Listening putting us right in the medium of manifestation.
Gill told a story of being in a class commenting on how a particular meridain followed the edge of a particular muscle. And his teacher said, "what if its the other way around?". The energy incarnating in the perfect form for this moment, totally fluid to each moment to come. These are not rivers carving through stone, they are currents through the ocean. In the scope of things, almost invisiable--the same stuff inside as out. Mysteriously manifest in different ways: all the same sound.


My mother has always advised me that to speak to someone, you must listen to that person first. But the truth of that is applied to the self at all aspects...
"To thine ownself be true" and all of that fun stuff is automatically implied in my mother's teachings. I have found a well of emotions and understanding that I am learning to trust more and more everyday. And I must say, kudos to the person who does a lot of self analysis and doesn't get caught only thinking about themselves. Self discovery is a tricky cycle that can be greatly aided by the generosity of actions. Love is one of those mysterious things that definately gets me out of my self-indulgent and perilously artistic nature and into a life and world of beauty. I too fell in love with the moon. What is it about that thing? He draws me closer and closer so that I am completely absorbed into him and lose sight of everything. But then I remember what mama said, and I flip into my mode of observing myself again. What is reincarnation? Everything. If I pull myself completely out of the cycle of life for a moment...it scares me because it is so fucking HUGE and I don't know how I may ever find my place in it for a second. But, not to worry, I can always come back, if not as a dog, then maybe a cat, or even, the moon itself.

To Sarah-

Consider for a moment that you've already found your place in it. The evidence is that you are telling us about your contemplation...not your body, not your brain, not your personal mind...but YOU are telling us about your thoughts. Also consider that fucking HUGE thing you're talking about is you as the dog, the cat, and the moon, RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW...That's how HUGE this thing really is.

OH yeah,

I really like your mother


hmmm, one time, i was on drugs in the forest in oregon (in september) and i had this wierd suicidal thought... that sounds scary, but it wasn't like i wanted to die, i just wanted to disolve into the everythingness i wanted to be the air and the river and the tree... becuase there is too much about being human to distract us from the everythingness... does that make sense?

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.

I mostly notice it when I have to pee really bad and there's not a toilet or a bush near by. Quite honestly I also find it hard to think about the big picture when I'm about to shit myself.

Knowing that everything seen and unseen is the everythingness and I am not exempt from this IS the distracting factor for me.

I think Suicide doesn't kill the Real You. It kills the body. The state of consciousness you exit with IS the state of consciousness you exit with.

What sucks is that now there's not a seasoned or an experienced vehicle to help work that particular expression which was working through you, as you, to get to Realization and nurture Dharma.

That state of consciousness might get a lemon the next time around.

The expression might not be as lucky as it once was when it worked by means of you, as you.

Lack of gratitude is a form of lack consciousness. Lack consciousness attracts lack. If everyone knew there is no lack in the Universe, Suicide wouldn't be part of the race mind consciousness. I also think we re-enter into the world of hot and cold exactly where we exited from, having to start in the same place any ways. Death to the world of opposites is like putting a video tape on pause. This is compassion at it's best.

Remember, we are a dead as we're ever gonna be right now.It's so important that we nurture our Dharma.



fudgey fudge.

I like cheese.

Red, you think a lot... myeerrff, you think about fudge a lot...

Yer Mom likes fudge.

At least I think she does.

It's hard to hear from behind.

she always tried to give me the fudge... i think she wants me to be fatter than her... bitch

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