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You down with OPP?

Hell no not me. You down with OPP? Hell no not me. You down with OPP? Not at this party.

Ok so we all think we know what OPP is given out wonderful mid 90s Naughty By Nature song. I have taken it for a different spin. Lets see the possibilities: Odd Ponies Prancing, Oblong Pinnacle Patties, Otters Picking Posies, Osom Possum Possum, Oh Possum Possum, Old Pink Pickachu, Old People’s Pants*, Ocean Pacific Panties*, Over Processed Perms*, Outrageous Panties Posse, Overt Perky Pomeranian*, Oblique Punk Posers, Orgy Porgy Porcupine, Old Pureny Preening*, Over Pompous Pancake, Octogenarian People Pleasers*, Odd Pasties Paste, Octotupssy Pussy Parade, Olive Pit Pride, On Popple Pounce, Ontario Plastic Paste, On Parker Poise, (the * OPPs were created by the one and only Claudette Powell). Ok I think that’s enough of that. The list goes on and on till the break of dawn. Lets just say that I’ve named it for the purposes of this blog to be Other Peoples Pubes.

Gag. Really are pubes really a necessary thing on this earth. For the unclean they are carries of little creatures and disease. Otherwise what purpose do they serve on this planet? I guess I was asleep in that part of sex-ed in school. They just kinda sit there. Are they for decoration? I know for women they could have hot bacon strips if they wanted to. But for the most part they just kinda are. My reasoning for this blog is more so a public service announcement. People keep your damn pubes to yourself. Really. Its not that hard. I don’t want to see them left on anything. I know they exist and they are fine on your person but to share them with others is another story. And by sharing I mean leaving them floating or on the sides of toilets or urinals. Good lord. They are like little twisted trophies left by a certain individual who wanted to share a bit of themselves with the world like it was their 15 minutes of fame. A bit like what the artist Andy Goldsworthy does right? Pube art, YIKES. Pubes are not nice keepsakes. I’m sure its not just straight men that do this shit. Keep your pubes to yourself. Maybe this isn’t a major problem in most places but at the restroom at my office, there are lots of dirry old men in general here I guess.

Someone should teach them bathroom etiquette. Maybe I’m just a big diva but here are some things that I feel would be nice if they changed. Like its inappropriate to whistle in the bathroom especially when you pee. No one wants to hear your song in the powder room. I’m sure you are extatic to whisle your piss away but it makes others uneasy. And what else oh yeah if you are at the urinal and are standing next to someone (heaven forbid) keep your raunchy farts to yoDAMNself. I actually had this experience once let me share, because I know that everyone wants to hear this story. I was you know doing my thing at the urinal and this short elderly gent walks up and does his thang too. Well all of a sudden I hear a tiny “bloop”. And was like oh hell no he didn’t just blow ass next to me. Then then THEN he had the most ginormous fart ever. I was appalled and or horrified. I had to finish and wash my hands and run away in shock. Luckily it didn’t smell or I would have gone crazy or maybe screamed in disgust. Who really has that sorta density to just let it fly when someone is standing next to them? I guess people lose all their common sense when they are in the potty. Lose yourself to the music something something just lose it.

I’ve had this conversation with Claudette and Stacy at work on occasion about the bathroom behavior of male verses female and all the different gender specifities. I’ve learned that all the women on the second floor of where we work don’t whistle, or talk to each other when they are pottying (unless they need TP). They don’t’ rip raunchy farts when they are in stalls next to one another. Claude and Stacy were appalled by the stories that I shared. Maybe its just men in general. The bathroom is the place where they can act nasty and think that no one else cares. Cause you know men are tough and shouldn’t’ let anything affect them. Maybe its because I’m a fag that I do care, but you would think any fully functioning person wouldn’t like someone to let out a huge fart when you were standing with them. I mean maybe they think its in the bathroom so its acceptable but if it was anywhere else. I mean the bathroom is a room like anyplace else. You wouldn’t be in a meeting and do that or an elevator. Yoga class I guess is a different story.

Well that’s probably why it’s a PUBLIC bathroom but its just common decenty. Does that make me that judgmental that I’m trying to censor the very basic bodily releases? So what I’m a princess, fuck you that’s right. The reality of it is that I don’t’ want to taste your fecal matter and experience your bodily functions. I’m not your partner and I don’t’ need to know that side of you. “Don’t’ pull on my hand boy you aint my man boy. I just came to pee boy and work my hump” (well not my hump more so for singing my humps). Maybe if peoples diets just improved this wouldn’t’ be a problem. Damn SuperSized society. I guess I’m just shocked at people lack of sense of just letting the bodily functions go without any remorse for others. Like people who go the bathroom really loud. (I'm not into hot carls and should not have to be indirectly subjected to them). But are these people like this in other facets of their life? Like they don’t’ care about the way people perceive them. Are they more confident? Go-getters? Can walk into a room and go ok here we go lets get things started? Or can they walk into a room full of people and talk to everyone and be the life of the party? You think Paris Hilton does that? Are they more popular? Well they aint popular with me that’s right I said it.

I guess the moral of this story is to not leave yo nappy ass pubes around the bathroom its unsanitary and barftatular.

Comments

ewwwwwwwwwwwww

the women's bathroom on the 2nd floor can be pretty nasty as well... i mean i realize the grossness of public bathrooms, but c'mon... often times i've gone into a bathroom stall and the paperlining is still on the seat, and/or the toilet wasn't flushed or needs an additional "courtesy flush," or even worse, the squatters that leave piss all over the seat... public bathrooms gross me out, but we all have to use them, especially at the work place. it isn't that hard to clean up after yourself, i mean, you wouldn't leave your own bathrooms like that - i hope...

you betta lose yourself in the music the moment you own it you betta neva let it go you only get one shot do not miss your chance to blow (a fart) the opportunity comes once in a life time.

now i'm worried that i may have left pubes or other bodily waste around your house somewhere... I say, people should just fart where ever they want to (like on Greg's hand) and then when they go tot the bathroom, it would be like this giant massive explosion/release thing from being held in so tight... american's are uptight, and i'm not particularly talking about stress level, i'm talking anus, perinium, pelvic floor bowel uptight... seriously... that's why it's so yuck when people finally get some of their shit out... i mean really, they were holding on to it fo hours possibly days... some people think it's "regular" to poo once every three days... think about the stinky clogginess that had to be developing... but pubes are a different story... i personally hate pubes... yes, they are pointless... girls can do the bacon strip/landing strip... however that is in and of itself a constant drama... the shaving, in razor bumps, the creams and teatree oil... the paying some russian woman to rip the hair off of your delicate flower... c'mon people, pubes were totally invented by the man to keep women distracted from reality... or at least the pube maintenance industry was... i give pubes and other lower extremity weirdness one gian "whatevs"

I think this should become a pamphlet with illustrations.

I'd say you could draw them but I can already picture the outcome. So many stretch marks and gaping womanness with light pouring from it. Those don't go with the chicken tikka I'm eating right now.

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