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Jesus God-Finally Horton Awards Review Wrap Up

Where does the time go? FINALLY here it is. Don’t’ get to happy though cause you know expectations are a bitch. Like expecting that Xanadu would be the worstest best movie ever but just sadly wasn’t drunk enough to appreciate its craptasticness, but I’m sure I’ll see it totally intoxicated at some point and it’ll be better. Ok Ok Ok so I’m happy that we were nominated. A nomination is admirable. Its kinda like two pence short of a tomato.

I mean what? I’m happy for Loretta and the company because we got the greatest nods of the evening. Sadly we fucking lost to tap. Hello. Tap excuse me. Tap really. No I’m sorry can you repeat that again the tap piece won. Get the fuck out. Sure they were taptastic but really how much can you get out of tap. Unless you’re A.D.D tap can only go so far, but good tap is good tap. But come on Tap and Penn---ing----ton dance won everything. They must be real good “friends” with the D-R-C. I was so tired of seeing his bald spot coming up on stage to accept another award. I should probably censor this seeing that google index is crazy sometimes. Jesus God, Greg and I talked about it I don’t think that the D-R-C thinks evolution is the way of the future. Seeing that 90’s dance is still winning awards. We are going to dance with masks and have bright colored asymmetrically colored unitards. J.P must have some sorta blackmail set on the D-R-C or sells them a lot of drugs. Between seeing him win everything and having to sit thought a 4 hour ceremony where the French man who only wears leather talked about the girl from the times for about an hour so it seemed. I had to get drunk during intermission so everything kinda slowed down after that. People are way to long winded its like we have to go and see your choreography and now we have to listen to you talk. Divas sit the fuck down so that I can go hit the bar and try to forgot all the torture that I was forced to sit though. Well I wouldn’t know it was torture if I didn’t’ know the good things in life right? Sure there were some good moments but those have slipped away from me at the moment. Oh yeah Rudy was hilarious. Can’t say at much for his work but you know he’s a hilarious biatch and I wasn’t even drunk for that part of the evening. Yeah Mr. Leather man talking was the second most horrid part of the evening. He’s funny to but way way way to fucking long. He was cool afterwards pouring us Vuvvvvvve champagne. It was wonderfully with the 2buck. They did have a cool video montage about a brother duo who was famous in movies for tap. I guess tap is decent when it doesn’t fuck with my chances to win. Wow that was way harsh Ty. No really I like tap sometimes. Not the tap from the student dance concerts though. Oh my god I saw one where these girls were doing tap to “Sandstorm” you know the electronic song. It huge many years ago. But they were doing tap with their shit eating grins on actually thinking they were innovative for playing techno in a tap piece. I heard one of the girls mention that. It was sad but probably one of those things if we videoed and showed in Whipper Snappers later that it would be really good like the cheerleader dance. I digress TANGENT time. But the montage was cool and they were funny and did things like round offs into huge leaps into the splits. Oh and the lady M.C was amuzing to me, with her lack of any sort of public speaking ability and really tired way to hard and her soft airy voice and being way to overly excited about everything but that must have been in her job description. The written form of the awards ceremony probably doesn’t compare as well to the live show that I gave at the clubhouse on Sunday. But hey I was wound up drunk of wine and champagne disgruntle, conflicted and really had to get that out there while it was fresh in my mind. I think that I should do my parody of the J Rog piece cause you know its way fucking better than that. Oh lord here it comes, on your mark, get set GO. Ok ok ok. So who thinks that a 45 minute stage show with bad jazz and sucky performers is fun? And I was waiting for it to be so bad that it went around the circle to be good again but nope it was just plain bad. Not even humorous. Physically biting my hand was less painful than watching that. This was after that the queen talked for 45 minutes with his kid and his “wife.” I think that his wife is younger than his daughter. I should have known better seeing that this man won the lifetime achievement and that the picture that they used for him on the flyer was him in a full layout. Should have been blatantly obvious. So I already wanted to shoot myself before the finale even started and Greggy had left and I just got confused about the entire situation, and to add insult to injury I had to pee like nobody’s business. I think I sat there for at least 20 minutes watching this Latino man “sing” and then slip into the Spanish and back into English. But finally he exited and this old guy came on who throughout the rest of the dance had this constant look like he was a deer caught in headlights. Short little dumpy guy who was supposed to be Mr Bojangles the original soft shoe. It would have maybe been ok if he was a good but surprisingly he wasn’t. And then and then and then something happened and this tiny Latino queen came on who I’m sure testacies haven’t’ dropped yet and had to dance with this OG’s of the company. Pedophile nation at its finest. Oh god that the outfits kept changing. The girls were supposed to be in these sassy salsa gowns didn’t work accept for the main lady who looked like a drag queen. She was the one that was getting angry at everyone during the piece telling them to do it again and to stop dancing. Then she was sticking up for the steroid queen when he was pouting that the ugly twig man was having a solo that was supposed to be his. But she put her man foot down and told everyone to get out of the way and then felt herself up. Mind you while this hell is going on I still had to pee so pressure was building more and more. There was the group salsa dance sequence. With bad jazz jumps and everyone is ass tight spandex. Vomitous. Then there was some transition where they man/lady was talking about how she was the only one that could feel it and was rubbing on herself. And all of a sudden the women came out in robes like Modern Modern dancing. And did this whole traditional type dance and they waltzed and it was bad. And the men had their spandex but put on chaps over there. It was like a bad gay bar where people were confused if they were into leather or western wear. There was really no cohesive line between it but he really wanted there to be one. Finally I saw people bailing and I decided it was time to hit the bar. Cookies and wine awaited and were much needed. Its funny the awards are there to honor the best of the year but the show they have like the worst dances ever. Damn politics. I’m not bitter no not at all. But hey those are everywhere and that’s why we are here to create art and do our thing no matter what. It makes me love the work that we create and other quality work out there. But again we wouldn’t’ know the good if it wasn’t the bad. That’s the way it goes I guess. Good lord though if I ever do see Mr. J. R on the street might have to take something of his to try and take back some of the life that was wasted watching his crap unfold. Wow way harsh again Ty. Naw I’m joking. I’m very glad I saw that hate-show piece it makes me smile in retrospect, because just how fucking bad it was. Thank you and goodnight yesterday tomorrow forward not upwards backwards not forwards and twirling twirling towards freedom.

Comments

So what you're saying is that tap can ... what am i looking for here, what is the right phrase, oh!!! got it: suck your balls?
and i repeat: THE LA DANCE COMMUNITY CAN SUCK BY BIG GIANT HAIRY SHWEATY BALLS

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