DADDY sez...

One thought of mine has been that this came from my directness (or rather, too directness), me, wanting to take things head-on and being not okay with things being not okay....thinking I can fix
them. because of that, I have really steped back. I said what I was feeling and, since then, have been at least kind-of trying to follow your directive to 'fuck off'. That is not because I want to fuck off, but because it is my best guess of what you want me to do. But I am afraid that my stepping back isnt helpful, so I want to try to say something. And I want to say that I want you to say anything that you need to tell me. Even if you just want to yell at me or dont want to say anything at all.

I am dealing and I know that I am okay. I want to let you know that I want for you to be okay---regardless of if that means I am in your life or not. However, I do want to be in your life and have you in mine. I want to tell you how blessed I feel to get to live with you, to get to go to class with you, for the advice and connection you offer me. I am so sorry; this situation has sent me into a lot of challenges, but I accept those...more than the challenges, I am sorry if I caused you any pain for any reason. I hope you can forgive me, and I hope that you feel free to say anything you need to say or do anything you need to do.

Im sure B has said to you that everything is okay...that nothing is never not okay. Of course this is true. It is all just energy moving and the only fact is that we get to make choices of what we want to be involved in. My fear is that when I am spinning and afraid, I might make choices that just let me live the same patterns over and over again. Picking people to play the characters in my same old stories and deepening the groove. I want to let you know that I am trying to see each moment as fresh: it is nothing I've ever seen before and you, this moment, are no one I've ever known. I mean by that...I have no grudge (for you or myself), and no expectations...only possibiities.

I hold the possibility that we can live together in a supporting way. that we (all 3) can create a place of openness, safety and expression. That we can hold space for eachother as we process old and current shit. not take eachother personally, but love eachother specifically and unconditionally. I apologize deeply for all that I have done in the past that have not contributed to these things. I plan to start living into them.

lets talk when I get back.

agape,
L

E-mail volley #2.
"A", Female, mid 20s, Keirsey type ENFP.... (more on ENFP)

well, of course i already "forgave" you or whatever... i mean, i get it. i understand: seen other people there and myself and i mean, really, i didn't mean to hurt your feelings, but i really feel that when someone is in the place you were in, the best way to help is to not engage or enourage it and i really felt like you were forcing me to endulge this irrational behavior. most of the time i think of you as one of the smartest people i know, one of the deep thinkers, or some crap like that. but occasionally i see this about you that frusterates me: at some point i think you learned that people pay attention to you when something is like terribly wrong. i feel like the general overtone of the house is that there's pretty much always something wrong. people acting it out differently, some loudly others stuffing it and not talking about their stuff at all. anyways, i digress... i want to be your friend and do friend things, but i'm not the person that knows what to do when you're in crisis.

like i said, i think i get it, but just so you know, for future reference i am totally willing to let people be in their range of places, but i don't necessarily need to be a part of that.

i like going to class and watching House eating candy and whining about it, but i mean for me especially living together, there needs to be a boundary on taking on other people's stuff, that's not to say i'm not willing to listen, but i'm not going to be on call for whatever comes up. nor do i expect anyone else to have to listen to my crap unconditionally. I feel like B is mad at me for talking about whatever's going on with me, but it's like i just soundboard off, i don't actually expect anyone to do anything about anything... or i try not to... and i certainly would expect peope to say to me that they didn't wanna hear it or just do something else... i dunno... i'm not mad, but i'm kinda over this semiperpetual crisis mode thing pattern thingy going on... thoughts anyone?

E-mail volley #3.
"B", Male, early 40s, Keirsey type INFP

for both of you,

I can only speak from my own experience cuz I'm selfish that way.

I know how it feels to drift into the darkness. Pretty sure we all do.

When I went through the darkest phase of my life - there was no one around who could understand it. No one could stop themselves from making it about them and ended up exacerbating the situation. The reflexive loop of fear builds and builds, everyone spewing it. And it ends up landing square on the person least able to handle it.

I've been on the other side and have handled situations like that - unable to keep from making it be about me. In retrospect, it wasn't so harmful. People will spin, whether I help to slow it down or speed it up more.

That night with L was the one and only time I have ever been fully with someone inside their thing. Just being there. What helped keep my own stuff out of it is my love and concern for her. Only time will tell whether that was the appropriate thing to do. For me it was appropriate, because for me it was a huge personal breakthrough.

Being around L, that sort of thing tends to happen.

I don't want to see anyone drop through the cracks or fall needlessly into that lonely place. The memory of my own fall is not that old. No one should have to feel so deeply desperate and alone ever.

But if i ever got the strong sense that my actions are enabling and not-helpful to the other or myself or the nature of the relationship, then I would do something different. But I don't have many other tools for such situations other than to be in a full body listening mode.

My not talking much is pretty weird. The reticence is probably borne out of a mix of intelligence and hypersensitivity. There's so much extra stuff always bangin around in my head, and so much perceiving and feeling going on - it's almost impossible for me to stay human, much less carry on a conversation.

Yes they actually did think I was retarded when I was little. I was more quiet and observational as a small child than I am now. It scared people. And when I finally began speaking, I started right out with complete sentences. That scared them worse.

I tend to not have many deep conversations. L is one of the few people on earth who I can manage a thoughtful heart to heart conversation with. Even with her it doesn't happen every day or every week or month.

What's really thrown me deep into the listening side of the conversation polarity these last few years is an ACTUAL interest in the other. It's become a good break from my own jumble of thoughts to hear others. That whole metaverse of stuff in my own head has become less interesting than riding the wave of someone elses stories and free associating off of it. Any printed off-color comedic stylings to the contrary are merely printed off-color comedic stylings.

Maybe something will crack and I'll find some balance there.

I was feeling kind of unsafe here recently. Not in a mortal danger way, just in that "somethings wrong" thing seeping into me and the freedom-to-be in myself dissipating. That is so scary for me because this space is the only physical place with others in it that has had for me an open quality about it. Don't know where the fear came from. It's like it rode in on the wind and we all traded it like a cold.

We, for better or worse, share the uncommon trait of hypersensitivity. That could be a recipe for disaster or great beauty.

My commitment is to the Great Beauty part. But not closed to the occasional disaster mode... because, you know: shit happens sometimes. Its an integral part of being human apparently.

Here I have found my water and other vital lost pieces I'd forgotten about or have never seen before.

The things I might still be holding on to, the stoicism of not talking of my own fears and desires... the almost continuous stream of retardation and obnoxious assclownium emanating from me - all of that might make it hard to recognize, but I do care. very deeply. to the extreme. My own flavor of stoicism keeps that hypersensitivity in check, otherwise I'd be spilling-out all over all the time. Really, NOBODY wants that.

I will do anything required, be whoever I need to be to twist this life into a beautiful candylike dream for myself and anyone around me. And that includes not-doing when necessary.

When things go dark, I'll be here til the fever passes. And it will pass as it always does.

and I will still be an assclown. and still have to shut myself off deep sometimes to prevent greater evils from happening.

and if you tried to make me speak this whole declaration, you'd hear nothing but incoherent rambling, my mind lost in dozens of other unrelated thoughts and feelings. I'm THAT retarded.

I love you.

But you're not gonna hear that out of my mouth either.