bring out your crazy
yesterday was so fuckin wacked. Not in a big over-the-top way. Just in the normal "this is how it is, how it's always been and probably how it's gonna stay" fucked up way that somehow, for the day at hand, had lost much of it's luster.
Had to wait 'til now, after midnight, to finally vomit it all out.
Tweaked on some web design stuff in the morning. Felt pretty good. Went to make sure a cat was fed. There is something about certain cats that induce Deja Vu and other non-linear outside-of-time mental states in me. This particular cat's "Jedi Mind Distortion Field" was quite strong. He's all big n' fat n' mellow, curled up on a chair, 'holding space' for the universe.
I think he's a Buddha.
The one thing I was set to do was that photo shoot with Miss Diva-licious: the shaving thing. I planned on going to do some tech grunt work in the morning, but was so dog-tired I decided "fuck it, I'll do that tomorrow and go back to sleep right now"
Which is exactly what I did.
Woke again at noon. Showered. Called the Diva-licious FurBurger, left a message. Gathered up the mini light kit, hit the fuckin road.
Was about to stop by Mr. Brown's house, decided to swing by my parent's house first. What occurred set the tone for the entire day.
I'm foraging around their fridge for snacks when out of the Ether a very familiar Schizo "domestic" psychodrama breaks out in the place, all singing and dancing.
Continuing my Snacktastic ritual, almost as if I'm a fly on the wall or invisible.
I'm like the Air (that is, if the Air was capable of blithely going about snacking while Rome was burning to the ground.)
It all seemed so clinical to me. I thought, "why is this woman going off on this man?".
Oh yeah, that's what they do. It's their "thing".
Snacking completed, I faded out of that Scene - jumping from a microscopic repeating loop of paranoid schizophrenia back into the Continuum.
FurBurger calls. turns out "her friend came to visit" this morning, or as she put it, "my period started... and it started WITH A VENGEANCE".
Aaaaaagh! Too much information. She then proceeds to up the ante by telling me 2 or 3 more nuggets of Female plumbing ephemera that I didn't need to know. I can't relate them here because I think my mind has actually BLACKED OUT THE DETAILS. It's all blurry.
Yes... BLACKOUT. What a plethora of alcohol and every drug known to man has failed to do to my mind, Miss Diva-licious has managed to achieve with a few choice words. Nice job, Honey.
Kudos.
Photo shoot postponed. The day is open.
Fade in (or out). Mr. Brown's house. Nobody home. I let myself in and begin uploading content to the Internet. Much little tweaky Alchemy in the queue.
Over the years, I've set up more than a few Wireless Access Points at various places around town (which I have access to) and have access to a few additional ones.
I forage for Access as needed like my ancestors throwing nets into the surf when they got hungry for fish. This works for everyone, as it tends to keep me in circulation, always at hand to banish the Demons of Chaos from their silicon-based slave boxes.
If I were to put a number to it, even at my lowest professional rate, I probably give away upwards of $10,000 in free technical services each year to my friends and associates. Ah but it sometimes costs to be a God. Nothing but time, baby. Only time.
As I ran around with Mr. Brown and his various errands, listening to the machine-gun half-thoughts speed through him. Rapping about stuff, calling people on the cell, the incensed rage about the same domestic stuff I've heard from him any every other Married Guy since the beginning of time, I thought "Fuck, I gotta stop hanging around with crazy people."
Yes, the Inner Hermit started talking again.
But I know we all got our 'crazy' going on, full effect, all the fuckin time.
"Being crazy" isn't so much the problem. "Causing crazy"... now that's some fucked up shit.
I've seen fuckin' madness jump the fire-line between people. From others to me, from me to others, between 2 or 3 motherfuckers standing right there in front of my fuckin face - all below the conscious awareness of the effected persons. That is some scary shit. Yeah. Fuck that.
I think of Red and how she sometimes talks about being nuts.
You know what? Actual fucked-up-in-the-head motherfuckers - They never talk about shit like that. They think they are the most sane human(s) on the planet.
Yeah, she ain't crazy. Hypersensitive maybe. And she's got a penchant for drama, sure.
But crazy by my personal metric: "unconscious living and consistent spreading of chaos and strife"... no, her crazy is fairly tame. Don't tell her though. Everyone needs their time in the drama spotlight. That's what makes it all fun and good.
Anyway, I had so much psychic goo on me by sunset that I had to take me another shower. Wash away the madness in the heat and steam.
It sorta worked.
Went to Mr. White's house. His crazy loud kids didn't seem so crazy anymore. They were LOUD, yeah. But everything was... in balance.
There were candles burning, six of them. Very relaxing. We watched a VHS of some "Modern Marvels" shows. Yeah, we're geeks. There's nothing more fascinating than Engineering Disasters or Mega Ships entering the port of Rotterdam (on the hairy edge of potential DISASTER.)
I'm at Red's now - writing this.
She's down the street watching that cat I checked in on earlier; spending the night with him.
I hope he teaches her some of his Buddha ways.
------
Note to self: Bite the bullet, pay for Wireless Broadband.
Comments
you always seems to amaze me with yer brilliance...
And i love the crotch shot... again, amazing...
sorry about my friend... my friend hates me...
Posted by: psychadelic fur burger | March 21, 2006 05:13 PM
The thing about Crazy Causers or, what I like to call Punch Pissers, is that they are unaware of the negativity running through them. The committment to Nurture or Cultivate Spirit is so very absent that the crazy jizzing energy just spews all over the environment.
They create Chaos to set up separation. They think they deserve Misery so they do whatever it takes to attract it, until they get Misery and everyone unfortunately experiences it because of the ALL-NESS.
There's only a couple of requirements to stop Crazy jizzing.
DO NO HARM!
And if you have any energy left over...
HELP BENEFIT OTHERS!
Everything else is fluff.
Doing no harm means to rid ourselves or abondon negativites. This is some hard ass work when we don't even know we spew it.
It's pretty simple.
I'm not a saint, ex-convict, or monk, but this sounds like a path to peace. According to Buddhist teaching, The 10 Negativities happen THROUGH me via my:
1. Body - Killing, Stealing, and Sexual Misconduct
2. Mind - Wrong View, Harmful Intent, Covetousness
3.Speech - Harsh Words, Lying, Disharmony, Idol Gossip.
By the way, if you are an ex-convict, be very proud. Because once you've been thrown in the pen, you are:
1. A Convict
2. An Exconvict
I think an ex-convict has another chance to get rid of negativities better than the convict who has to deal with guards and prisoners who don't fight to see who's best but see who's left.
I know of a guy who was in the pen most of his life. He said if someone wants to to kill you in jail you have 3 choices:
1. Kill them 1st (negativity)
2. Snitch and try to get tranfered to another institution.
3. Commit suicide. (negativity)
The point being is that we are alive and have a chance to abondon negativities to reach
THE PATIENCE LEVEL.
Once we've reached this level, HELL IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Once we reach this level we can stop worrying. Until then, BEWARE.
A man who gets bit by a poison snake only thinks about a remedy to purify his body. It's the only thing he can think about. He knows that the poison will harm life, specifically his life.
Maybe if we knew that our negativities ARE poison AND harm life we would be as enthusiastic as that poisoned man to purify ourselves from them.
Maybe the crazy jizzing would stop.
Posted by: LG | March 25, 2006 06:41 PM
Of Monkeys and Monks: While the monkeys were eating a whole chicken, I was eating some karma subbing a yoga class at a place I'd never been to and didn't know anyone but where I "knew" everyone. In a soup of energy I couldn't decipher and so didn't try and so just did my best--knowing this program was written and running, thinking only of cause forward from here.
While the Monkeys were at Coldstones I was at Dharma class with the Monk. Second week in a series of Lo Jongs ("development of a good heart"--that being maybe "a heart that thinks of others AT LEAST as much as it thinks of oneself). Basically, the tantric WMDs to self-cherishing: we were getting into deep shit:
how to die and how to help others die. Elements of Dharma I had never consiedered, because I do consider death in watching it, feeling it, however, my training has been towards hospice...and therefore through a bit of a clinical lense.
Can your thoughts be of others as you die? Can you be calm as anything you are still attached to is torn away? And aside from all this, in the looping of cause and effect---your last thought in this life is the cause of the first thought of your next life. (This is a different theory that I have taken before)
So, while the Monkeys were doing a blaphemous photoshoot, I was laying and staring at the celing...about all of these things and more...what it truely means to have a "good heart" (bodhichitta)to the point that you are willing to do whatever it takes no matter how extreme (and yes, it does seem extreme today to go back to--the-first-shall-be-last-and-the-last-shall-be-first,
sevre others as the ONLY way to get happy (I love it when Carolyn Myss tears people up on this one--the idea that we must "heal ourselves" before we heal others. Yes, self study, but the pricess-shit, delicate flower ain't working.). Whatever it takes to get yourself to the place where you can end everyone's suffereing---now.
So, the karma in this moment: I could just as much change it as I could push the flower back down and say "you grow different now" and likewise the energetic jizzers; so rather, watch the seeds I'm planting right now in the way I receive these effects.
The only way I could see jizzers right now is that I myself jizzed in the past. (or, that is to say, they are empty of any instrinsic jizzing)
so. don't jizz back. I'm writting the next program now. watch the seeds.
Posted by: Red | March 27, 2006 10:02 AM
Looking back, maybe I enjoyed riding other's crazy sometimes. Their hysteria was like getting to ride a rollercoaster but being able to choose how far the drops were. I think this makes me fucked up. But I think I possibly helped the situation sometimes, so the rollercoaster was my special treat reward for it- like an ice cream cone with sprinkles on it...mmmmm.
Posted by: beefcake | March 30, 2006 12:00 PM